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Wow. was hard to wake up today. (when my wrist alarm went off, I was apparently in the middle of a dream, and I couldn’t get out of it. Finally actually got up at 5:20, or was it 5:25? Can’t remember now.
Yesterday was another funky day. I was fine all morning and throughout my work shift. Then I came home and things sort of fell apart on me. I had intended to use my hour of “free time” before going back to pick up the kids to get some housework done. Then when I got home I ate lunch and started watching TV instead. I was feeling super tired, but didn’t want to give in to taking a nap (Maybe that would have been the better choice, I don’t know) I think I ended up being disappointed in myself, and I let it spiral or something, because I felt )(and acted) completed BLAH the rest of the evening. Didn’t want to make dinner… didn’t want to interact with my children… didn’t want to do anything.
I did make dinner (just pulling some stuff out of the freezer, but I did FEED people :) Then after dinner I did run over to walmart to pick up the supplies I need for a project I want to do for Miss Russon’s math class. (We do multiplication facts practice each day, and I time the kids as they fill out these sheets of 25 multiplication or division facts. Some of them are so much faster than others, that they end up waiting a lot for the slower kids. I bought some paper folders and sheet protectors, so I can create a book where I will give everyone a longer amount of time and just let them go and go… see how much they can do in 10 minutes, or that kind of thing. I’m hoping to put them together today and give it a try. See if I like it better and how the kids like it.
I was trying to figure out what my brain was going through - why it dropped so suddenly. I was having all kinds of thoughts. One that kept popping up was circling the idea of high expectations. I really like to be viewed as “super woman.” The one who can get anything done, efficient, cheerful, smart, can handle anything that gets thrown her way… etc” I have create that persona for myself at work, and I enjoy being “that” person. I love knowing they can depend on me and that I am a useful member of the team… but the more “super” I am, the more “super” I have to be. The expectation gets higher and I start to feel the pressure of it all. What happens when I hit my breaking point and can’t be super any more?
I think I do the reverse at home. I don’t want people to expect me to be super - so I do nothing… or I set goals to be a really productive and great wife/mother, and I just set the bar too high and I can’t sustain it. I seriously need to figure out where and how to find some middle ground. I need to identify how to be my “best self” - without putting pressure on myself that makes me shut down. Maybe I will work on an affirmation for that.
Yesterday was another funky day. I was fine all morning and throughout my work shift. Then I came home and things sort of fell apart on me. I had intended to use my hour of “free time” before going back to pick up the kids to get some housework done. Then when I got home I ate lunch and started watching TV instead. I was feeling super tired, but didn’t want to give in to taking a nap (Maybe that would have been the better choice, I don’t know) I think I ended up being disappointed in myself, and I let it spiral or something, because I felt )(and acted) completed BLAH the rest of the evening. Didn’t want to make dinner… didn’t want to interact with my children… didn’t want to do anything.
I did make dinner (just pulling some stuff out of the freezer, but I did FEED people :) Then after dinner I did run over to walmart to pick up the supplies I need for a project I want to do for Miss Russon’s math class. (We do multiplication facts practice each day, and I time the kids as they fill out these sheets of 25 multiplication or division facts. Some of them are so much faster than others, that they end up waiting a lot for the slower kids. I bought some paper folders and sheet protectors, so I can create a book where I will give everyone a longer amount of time and just let them go and go… see how much they can do in 10 minutes, or that kind of thing. I’m hoping to put them together today and give it a try. See if I like it better and how the kids like it.
I was trying to figure out what my brain was going through - why it dropped so suddenly. I was having all kinds of thoughts. One that kept popping up was circling the idea of high expectations. I really like to be viewed as “super woman.” The one who can get anything done, efficient, cheerful, smart, can handle anything that gets thrown her way… etc” I have create that persona for myself at work, and I enjoy being “that” person. I love knowing they can depend on me and that I am a useful member of the team… but the more “super” I am, the more “super” I have to be. The expectation gets higher and I start to feel the pressure of it all. What happens when I hit my breaking point and can’t be super any more?
I think I do the reverse at home. I don’t want people to expect me to be super - so I do nothing… or I set goals to be a really productive and great wife/mother, and I just set the bar too high and I can’t sustain it. I seriously need to figure out where and how to find some middle ground. I need to identify how to be my “best self” - without putting pressure on myself that makes me shut down. Maybe I will work on an affirmation for that.
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