Wednesday, February 13, 2019

an emotional SLUMP

So I missed writing yesterday.  I DID get up early, but it was an OWN IT workout day, so I only got in a few things before I went, and then I just never got back to it throughout the day…  I was also in a terrible mood last night.  As I think about it, it’s a bit of a chicken & the egg scenario - I don’t know which was cause and which was effect.  Did I get into a bad mood because I didn’t follow through, or did I not follow through because I was in a big slump?  I think it was the slump that encouraged me to not get back to finishing…  Just because I have had lots of days when I don’t fit in my exercise, and it hasn’t knocked me flat emotionally.

I think what happened is that I started feeling like I have failed my children.  I see the strong and amazing spirits and personalities they have, and I am thinking that for their sakes, they should have come to better parents.  Aaron was on my computer yesterday and he left himself signed in.  (on facebook)  I have always had a “no privacy policy” when it come to social and internet communication, so since he left it open, I checked out his message threads.  It is so disappointing to me to see bad language, evidence of bad choices, declaration of addictions, etc…  I know it is pointless to do so, but I find myself wondering what I did wrong.  How I failed him.  He is so unhappy and directionless in his life.  He doesn’t like himself at all.  He is so convinced that he is worthless, and I don’t know how to help him.

Caleb is also struggling with so many things.  He has so much inner turmoil and anxiety.  He gets so angry at everyone and everything for what feels (to me) like no reason.  Katrina & Bryan are frustrated with it and feel like they have to walk on eggshells around him because everything they do or say makes him angry. 

Katrina & Bryan seem to be doing ok, but then I worry - “Aaron seemed like he was OK too, and he wasn’t…  What if these two are having inner struggles that they are hiding?  What if mess them up too?”

Anyway, that’s where my thoughts and emotions were last night up until I finally forced myself to go to bed at 11:30.  I certainly was not looking forward to getting up this morning, but I need to follow through.  I need my mind and body to have something it can cling to as a sign that I’m not a total failure.  (As I think this morning, I recognize that I am being a little overly dramatic in that statement.  I am not feeling the darkness and despair that I was feeling last night.  I am still discouraged and at a loss what to do, but I know everyone has their agency.  Yes, I have made plenty of mistakes as a parent.  I am emotionally flawed and was perhaps unable to give Aaron the love and support that he needed in his formative years, but I have done my best.  I have tried to change and improve the person I am.     I am working at being a better mother and a better human.  I have to hold on to the trust that the Atonement of Christ can heal all wounds and make up for my lack.

In other news, my shoulder it totally killing me right now.  I think I am about ready to give in and call Dr Robinson to set up an appointment to have the scope done.  (They’ll go in with a little tube things and “vacuum out” the calcite deposits, which should eliminate the pain I’ve been in (to one degree or another) for almost 2 years now.  I’ve been trying one last ditch effort at non surgical healing by taking some supplements and having acupuncture done.  So far, does NOT seem to be helping.  I'm also so discouraged with my weight.  just keeps climbing up and up.  I know I need to make sure the exercise part of my morning is serious and a priority - not the thing that I can let slide if I run out of time (which I always do)  More importantly, I need to track and record the food I am eating.  I KNOW these things, but I just don't want to DO them. 

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