Strange...

I went to day to a holistic healer person. (don't know what to call her; she does Cranio-sacral Therapy, energy balancing, she's a "master herbalist," does generational healing and nutritional counseling... and more.
Why did I go? you might ask. I just haven't felt WELL lately. as you know from my blog, I've been fighting anxiety, depression, and a general feeling of the blahs. Nothing to specifically point too, but I knew something was off. I picked up her flier in a health food store/cafe a while back and have been meaning to call her for a while now. Her flier says, in part, "using the Holistic Health Detective Method, we can reveal your body's priorities for healing and balancing the Body, Mind, and Spirit..."

Apparently my priority is fixing my diet I got a whole lot of Nutritional counseling. (tim will be glad to hear that) According to the energy testing she did on me, I am deficient in Iron, Calcium, and magnesium, and my nervous system is shot. (thus explaining the low energy, restless leg, occasional muscle twitches and spasms, etc... She gave me some instruction on herbs and foods that I need to include/increase in my diet, and some instruction on "eating from the earth," everything in its "season." She gave me some books to read and encouraged me to spend some time studying herbs and food.

She also "read" from my "energy" that I need to take time for me. That my spirit keeps saying "when is it my turn?" Many of the things she said in this regard were right on the money, but the "skeptic" in me kept thinking - "this same thing could be said for just about every mother of young children. Just because she's right on the mark, doesn't mean she can really just "READ" my spirit."
Anyway, one thing she said was that I need to focus on identifying "gifts" that I have been given. That she saw in me a lot of "artistic" tendencies that I had basically done nothing with. Not necessarily art as in painting, but art as in creating things.
Her 'testing' said that I don't believe it is okay to say NO, and that while I believe that God loves me, that I don't love myself. Then she did some strange thing where first I was "centered" then she tested to see if I was "fully present" (apparently I wasn't, I was only about 85% there, so then she had me do a breathing exercise - this might have been the "centering" part, I forget...the she called the rest of me to come - I can't really explain it, but there was a slight difference in how I felt, slightly heavier or something like that) Then she had me keep doing the breathing thing, while she said something about removing the untrue belief that I am not lovable or something like that. Then after waiting a minutes, she said something about not leaving a void where the untruth had been and needing to fill it with truth. She then said some things about loving myself and other stuff, but I really can't remember what she said (hope it wasn't important to remember) It was so weird, because as she finished saying this stuff, I felt the strangest sensation. Like i was spinning, and like my insides were lightening or melting or something. It almost felt like I wasn't gong to be able to lift my arms or control my moments for a minute. I felt a little dizzy'ish - but not really. It was so strange. I wish I understood more.

Anyway - after all this, I felt fine and good and I felt like I could take on this challenge and learn what I needed to do to change my diet and help my body (and my family) be healthier and as a result, be happier. I felt his way for like 3 hours, until just now when I got home. As soon as I walked into the house, I felt depressed and overwhelmed and like it was all just too much to overcome.

Am I Crazy or what? I am still trying to process it. Even as I type this, I feel like it is too personal to blog about, but I need an outlet to write it down and in so doing, helpfully it will help me recall more specifics and give me place to see my growth. I know I could just write it on paper in my journal, but really I'm feeling quite lost and alone'ish. (not exactly those emotions, but that's the closest I can come...) Somehow by blogging it, I know I am sharing it, without the vulnerability of sharing it in person. does that make sense? (I don't even need you to comment about it (but feel free) -I know that you are there and sharing it with me, (maybe thinking I'm a little nuts) and that helps.

NOW WHAT???


(thanks for listening - that's what I needed.)

gift of tongues anyone???

After she should have been sleeping, Katrina came in and brought a note for me and a note for Tim. We said thank you and sent her back to bed, then tried to decipher the notes. (usually we have her read them to us while they are fresh in her mind so that we know what they say - this morning when I asked her to rad them to us, she could only read parts of them - so she made up a whole bunch of other stuff) Unfortunately I seem to be lacking in the "gift of tongues." Here they are for your deciphering fun:

MINE - typed as written :

Mom
ILVITWNY
KS[scribbles out B] D
SGrADW (the r on this line looks just like a T)
YPAWTHME
ILVYY
LVME
THS/SDWEIS
DUN THKMOM

(translation as best as I can get - "Mom, I love it when you kiss? ? Grandpa went home. I love you. You love me. This story is done. Thanks mom."

Here is Tim's note -

DAD/I LVYO
I NOMISES
INS S BGSM
SMR FR Y T I N
OHTOKTADW
TSDWS AD
MI SAPSADNBS
ILVDID BIN

Translation: "Dad, I love you. I know my seasons. Spring, Summer, Fall. I know how to count and ??? (I think it might say write words) and my shapes and numbers. I love dad (misspelled maybe) ?


As I was typing them out, I figured out a few more bits and pieces. when I would say the right thing, Trina would light up and say "You did it mom, you remembered what I wrote!"
I think she is amazing. Ya - she missed most of her vowels and middle sounds, but I think it's great that she is writing independently and that she gets most of her beginning sounds and a lot of her ending ones... We need to work on putting spaces in between words (that's what the few backslashes are - she's trying to put in "spaces") - that would help a lot, but hey, she's only 4 and she's self taught, so I'm not complaining! Besides, it keeps me trying to develop my "spiritual gift - the gift of tongues"

School Days

Yesterday was Aaron's first day back to school. I hope this is a great year for him. I am just praying that his reading skills kick into gear and he takes off in that arena. Just about everything in school in affected by reading ability. It's hard to do the math if you can't read the question.... spelling is a super challenge... etc. Aaron loves music, art, and PE. (does anyone else see the pattern here - not much reading, if any, required for these subjects)

We carpool with another family in our neighborhood. She drives the kids to school and I pick them up. I got there to do pick up, and was hoping that the new "pick up zones" would make the process simpler. No such luck. I expect it to get better once everyone gets it figured out, but yesterday was a nightmare. After I waited in line for 10 minutes to GET to the yellow zone - I find TJ and Alec (the other boys in the carpool) waiting, but no sign of Aaron. TJ informed me that Aaron was in the BACK of the school, in the orange zone! WHAT??? So I drive around the block to the back of the school. NO AARON. I drive back around to the front of the school. FINALLY, I find Aaron, just coming out of the school. I guess some how he got told that he was in the Orange zone so he went there. (he argued about it with me all the way home - insisting that I had to pick up TJ and Alec in the Yellow zone, then drive around back to get him in the Orange zone. Hopefully, I convinced him that I know what I'm talking about and he'll be waiting in the yellow zone after school today:)

I found a preschool for Katrina and signed her up. I think it is going to be way too easy for her, and I wish it was a more academically challenging program, but the price was acceptable, location was closer, a nearby person is signed up for the same session, so we can carpool, and the teacher said she'll send home extra "homework" to challenge Trina a bit more as needed. any which way - Katrina is SO excited about it. She is totally ready for school right now. These September birthdays are a BUMMER!

I really do wish that I was more organized and had better follow through. Home schooling would be a good thing for Aaron - working on his level, studying things that he is interested in, without the peer comparison/influence making him feel "stupid." (his word, not mine) It would also be great for Katrina, because there's no calendar date that would say how and when she could start learning. I am getting better over all, but I'm still not ready for that. I had a hard enough time doing "school time" during the summer. and that was only a hour per day of reading time, math practice, and practicing the piano. I hired a neighborhood girl to come in and be my "helper" for that hour, and in this manner, we did get it done most of the days. But toward the end of the summer, it was a mere shadow of what it started out to be... Oh well - we each have our own talents, and this is NOT one of mine!

It's a lot quieter around here with Aaron gone during the day, and I need to get off the computer and get some work done. (4 loads of laundry are waiting to be folded - I'm being such a laundry slacker lately...)

Later -

Missed me???

Holy smokes! I just saw that it's been 12 days since my last post! Where does the time go????

I feel like I'm so busy, yet it seems to be "busy doing a whole lot of nothing." This post will be a hodge-podge of stuff, just in a quick effort to update and reconnect...

Aaron's baptism - Aaron was baptized on August 2nd. It was very nice. Lots of family and friends were able to be there. Aaron loved being baptized and confirmed a member of the church, and he especially loved being the center of attention.

Olympics - I'M LOVING IT!!! I am really tired because I just have to stay up and see them. Last night I was up until midnight, because I HAD to watch the finals in the mens team gymnastics. (tonight I will be up watching the womens team gymnastics) That men's team... I am SO PROUD of them! They did a great job. All of them are first time Olympians, with two of them being last minute alternates filling in for the team "stars."
and swimming... the men taking the gold in the 400 relay. OH MAN!!! what a race. I still get excited just thinking about it. what a thrill to see them win that race.
For FHE last night - can you guess what the lesson was? It was an Olympic theme of course. Tim talked about how the athletes have to focus and work hard, even when they are tired and frustrated and might feel like it is too hard. They just have to practice and practice and practice. Then he talked about how we have to practice and work hard to accomplish things in our own lives. we each set goals for things we want to "practice."

End of Summer - I can't believe that school starts next Monday. Aaron is totally not ready to go back to school. I finally got Aaron's school clothes ordered. Hope they get here in time. I still haven't decided about Katrina's preschool. (I am the master of procrastination.)

Laura's visit - my sister and her family came down from Montana last week. It was so great to see them again. Katrina was so cute playing with her cousin Adam. She cried every time they had to say good by to each other. We really miss having them closer, but I know they are where they are supposed to be right now, and they are a great influence and needed family in their small branch up there.

Caleb - Where oh where has my baby boy gone??? Did I ever post that Caleb update? I don't think I did. Oh well. Caleb has been scooching around for a long while now, and the past 2- 3 weeks he's got the crawling on hands and knees thing going. His new thing (past 2 weeks, is pulling himself up to standing. Last night I was folding laundry (while watching Olympics, of course) and he stood up, using the laundry basket, then pushed it while walking behind. I am NOT ready for him to grow this fast. He is just so fun and sweet and adorable.

Singing in church - our family sang in church yesterday. The Primary presidency was speaking and the topic was the purpose of primary. We sang "teach me to walk in the light." The kids did a great job. Bryan fell asleep about 5 - 10 minutes before we sang, so he missed the singing, which is too bad since I think he is just adorable, but he's not so adorable when he's been woken up, so we let that sleeping dog lie.

Ward Camp out - Last weekend was the annual ward cook out/camp out. We stayed over night and had a good time. The weather looked pretty overcast, and sure enough, it started raining as we drove up, but we put up the tent anyway - in the rain. Wouldn't you know it, about 10 minutes after we got the tents up, it stopped raining. (guess we should have waited to put them up eh?)

Tim working from home - Tim's work is being painted this week and last, so he got permission to telecommute while they are painting. Tim set up a second computer upstairs for me, but then after 2 days his laptop motherboard died, so I didn't have a computer for a couple of days. It's kind of hard to have Tim home but "not home" if you know what I mean. It has been SUPER great having zero commute time!

Depression - doing better. Still tired and dragging a bit (late nights aren't helping, but I figure the Summer Olympics only come around every 4 years right??) but not feeling sad and so down on myself.

Is that enough hodge-podge to catch you back up on my simple life? I need to jump in the shower(that rank smell you keep getting whiff of??? yup, that's me!) and take a stab at the day's "to do" list. Remember that sister I visit teach who said she probably wouldn't tell us if she needed help? (That last day I posted) Well, I'm scheduled to go visit her again today. I know - good for me huh? It's not even the last week of the month yet!

Have a great day!

Nobody freak... I'm really OK

Charlotte, thanks for the kind comments in response to my "liar liar" post. Now I'm worried that people are going to freak out and think I've gone completely over the edge... Please, don't call the police, DCFS, or the suicide hot line, I'm really doing ok - (at least today anyway:) I would not have been able to post so "openly" if I was still in the "depths of despair." Its one of my quirks, I can only be open about where I've been AFTER I'm out - or at least on my way out...

Even when I am depressed, I am still cognizant enough to recognize that it is the depression talking - not really me. (That's how I rationalize not treating it thus far... when I can no longer differentiate between the depression talking and reality, then it will be a problem that needs to be addressed. Of course, if that is the case and I am unable to differentiate... i won't know that, will I??? HHHmmmm yet another depression catch 22. Oh well.

HI HO HI HO it's back to the kitchen I go!

liar, liar, pants on fire...

Yesterday I went visiting teaching. At the end of the visit, I asked the normal question, "blah blah blah, is there anything we can do for you?" She answered (you know what's coming don't you?) "no, everything is just fine." My companion asked, "would you tell us if there was something you needed?" Our sweet sister (age 70 or 80 something) laughed and said, "probably not." I just had to laugh, because the night before, my visiting teacher popped in for a few minutes to say hello and drop off a plate of cupcakes. We stood at the door talking for a few minutes, and she asked the "visiting teaching question,"

"how are you doing?"

It's been another rough couple weeks for me, and everything inside me wanted to scream, "I'm depressed; I'm fat; I'm ugly; my house is a total disaster; my children are loud, obnoxious, and disobedient; my yard makes us look like totally trashy people; I want to move because I'm sick of my house, our ward, and the neighborhood; I'm sick of cooking and cleaning and laundry that is NEVER done! I am a horrible wife and a horrible mother! I hate my life!"

Instead of blurting all that out, I smiled and said, "Everything is just great, thanks."

You remember that grade school saying mentioned in the post title? I suspect that the proverbial telephone wire has long since snapped due excessive weight hanging on it, but come on... what are we do do? Can't you just see the look on my poor Visiting teacher's face if I had let it all out? Besides, what could she do about it? Be honest back? Can't you just imagine a response like this,
"Stop self medicating with chocolate and junk food, eat more healthy food and get more exercise, get off your butt and clean your house instead of complaining about it, spend less time on the computer and more time playing with your children, be more organized, go to the temple more frequently, and make reading your scriptures and saying your prayers top priority. THEN, if you are still struggling with depression, go talk to a professional and get the help you need!"

Ya - I already have the answers. In fact, I got up Tuesday and went to work. I had a good day tackling the chaos in my house, and it really did help. (not that you could tell by looking at the house, but I felt better for working at it.) Now it's time for me to get off the computer and work some more.

To all you other liars out there (I know I'm not the the only one) - have a great day and I'll meet you at the telephone wire.

A pondering...

This morning I was reading in the Ensign and I read something that really me think, and I just thought I'd share.

“Testimony is to know and to feel, conversion is to do and to become.” (Elder Oaks)

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and this quote was an answer to many things I had been pondering.

I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. I have a testimony of His church. I have a testimony of His Gospel and His prophet on the earth today. Apparently what I do NOT have is a solid CONVERSION. In general, I do the basics, but not consistently enough and not with true full purpose of heart. I would say that I have a solid testimony, (I know and feel) but I really am lacking in the "becoming."

So - ponder with me if you wish. I am (once again) choosing to become converted. To BECOME all that I was sent here to become. To spend the rest of my life APPLYING my testimony and working harder at DOING what I need to do, but this time with more of a focus on letting that DOING work within me to help me BECOME.

Do that make sense? Oh well, if not; it makes sense to me, and since it's a personal commitment, I'm the only it needs to make sense to. Ya'll have a great day!