1/12/2019

It’s a great morning. and it's going to be a great day! I wasn’t confident in my ability to get up this morning, as I was up pretty late last night, but with the "help" of Caleb’s alarm clock that went off at 4:59 (and took him a while to turn off) I was pretty wide awake when my fitbit silent alarm went off at 5:00.  I had left my silent alarm on, but had set my phone as a back up alarm that would give me an extra 30 minutes of sleep “just in case.”  But I was awake, so here I am :)

I'll start with a review of yesterday, it was a good day.  A little unusual at work, as I got caught up in concern for one of the 3rd graders.  It is the time of year when they are learning about biographies.  They are each to read a biography and then they dress up as that person and do a 5 minute, 1st person presentation about that person.  One of the boys (who has had a pretty rough life history and it shows in his behavior and interactions with others) announced that he loves the Nazi’s and his report was going to be on Hitler - because Hitler was awesome!  He has apparently been pretty fixated on Germans, Nazi’s, and Hitler.  THIS IS A CONCERN!  I don’t think any “good parent” wants their child to idolize Hitler or aspire to be like him.  I found out about it because poor Mrs Ormond was trying to figure out how to address it. How to write a letter to a parent saying, "you child's hero is the guy who murdered millions of innocent people."   How do you help the boy, etc…  I was trying to help.  It was interesting, but as I pondered the situation throughout the school day, after each subject I would wander back in and tell her, ok, don’t forget to include (or consider, or remove, or whatever) THIS.  (For example, the initial, knee jerk reaction is “this is not appropriate subject material for a 3rd grade biography presentation..”  but as I thought about it - we often have someone present on Anne Frank.  That’s the same subject matter (in general)  We have people do Nelson Mandela and talk about apartheid.  We have at least one Abraham Lincoln and we talk about slavery and the civil war.  We always have someone choose Martin Luther King.  The last couple of years we have had a Malala.  These historical figures all bring up difficult historical topics and events.  So it isn’t so much an issue that the TOPIC is not OK for kids to know about and discuss - it is the fact that we have a 9-10 year old boy who is idolizing a man who murdered millions of people because he thought he was better than them.  I ended up talking with the boy quite a bit, trying to figure out where his brain was coming from and what his fascination was.  I don’t know how much of what he said was accurate - because he has some mental delays and challenges too, and he is know to outright lie if it suits his purposes, but I was pretty direct with him about the horrible things Hitler did.  When I asked why he wanted to chose Hitler, he told me it was because Hitler had an awesome mustache.  So I suggested he present on Charlie Chaplin - he had the same mustache and made people laugh instead of killing them.    He was semi interested, but wanted to know if Chaplin was a German or a Nazi.  C- said that his Grandpa was a Nazi…  don’t know if this is true or not.  Maybe he is just trying to connect with family or heritage?   He told me he just really likes the word Nazi because it is fun to say.  We talked about how the word Nazi is NOT the same as German.  Nazi was the political party, just like we have republicans and democrats today, they had the “Nazi party” - it was just a name to say what their beliefs were, not what country they lived in.  We talked about Germans who knew that what Hitler was doing was wrong, and they found ways to fight against him (or resist by helping save Jews.)  By the end of the day, C was considering doing Oskar Schindler instead of Hitler…  (or someone else who resisted) I finished my day by giving my opinion to Mrs Ormond that she invite the parent to help "C" learn about the holocaust and Hitler, and have the mom help him identify someone who fought to do the RIGHT thing.  Still difficult subject matter, and heavy stuff for a 3rd grader, but it should be the parent navigating this topic - so that she can instill her values and her moral standards and perspective.
  
(wow, that went on longer than I anticipated…  sorry.  It was a pretty heavy topic and weighed pretty heavily on my mind all day.  You worry that this is “the kid” who is going to grow up to be the school shooter and people are going to look back and say “why didn’t you DO something about it?”  Well, I did all I could for that day, I think (I hope) I made a little headway in his thinking…  maybe??? and I will keep pondering it and keep trying to be an influence for good.  I’m hoping to compile a short list this weekend of possible people he could choose to learn about and represent...  Now it’s past time for me to be gone to bountiful baskets - I’m going to to be late.  I’ll finish my journaling and my MM later :)

I’m Back…  I’ve been to Bountiful baskets (a produce co-op I help run as a “site coordinator”)  I went straight from there to do my “Own It” workout.  Got home, ate breakfast & showered as quickly as I could - then went with a group of youth (plus adults Tim, DeDe & Christie) to the Provo Temple.  It was SO SO SO crowded!  Both parking lots were totally full, even the lot across the street to the West was completely full!  Once we had finally gotten upstairs, we found the chapel completely full, plus they were putting people in all the larger sealing rooms to wait.  It was going to be about 1.5 hour wait to get into a session - then you other 1.5 to complete the session.  Since we had the youth downstairs, one of whom had a meeting she needed to be home for by 1, plus DeDe and Christie both had afternoon things planned, we ended up going back downstairs and did initiatory instead.  I love being in the temple.  I love the peace it brings.

Now I am back home, have had my lunch, plan to finish my journaling, then get started on some housework.  I am a little tired and sort of wanting a nap. (in fact, I keep nodding off here while I'm attempting to proofread.  As I said earlier, I was up late, because I picked up Fred * Christie from the airport last night, (they just got home from a 10-day cruise) and it was after 11 when we got home.  It was just past midnight before I finally got to sleep.  I actually adjusted my wake up time by 40 minutes to give me a little extra time, but as I said, Caleb’s alarm woke me up pretty effectively, so I got up and got started on my MM.  I’ve had a good, positive, productive day - but I’m starting to feel that my eyes are tired. I think I’ll set a time limit for which I need to clean - to prepare the house for the Sabbath, then I’ll take a nap.

Last night,, Tim and I went out to the Olive Garden for a date night dinner.  I invited our friends Joey & DeDe Smith to come with us. (Double date)  I am grateful for good friends.  I got to know DeDe through our working together in primary - and got to know Joey through DeDe.  I have served in various presidencies in the church, and I have loved the people I have served with, but with most of them, I felt like we served together without really ever bonding as a close group of friends.  The two exceptions to that are the ladies I went to girls camp with my first year as Camp director, (Becky, Alisha, Heather, & I) and the ladies I served with in the primary presidency.  (I went through a lot of sisters in the various counselor positions, so I won't name them all, but I really built some amazing relationships with some incredible women.  All of these women are very dear to me - I still know I can call on any of them in a time of need, and if at all possible, they would do anything they could to help me out.  It is a great blessing in my life to have friends - and sisters - like that!

It’s FRIDAY!  Another week about done and another weekend up ahead.  I love my job - love the teachers and the kids that I get to work with, but I also love Fridays and enjoy WEEKENDS!  :)

Yesterday was a great day.  With the exception of one boy, who was absent, I was able to have positive interaction with all of the kids that I had “reproved with sharpness” on Wednesday, and that felt good.  I felt like I showed them (and helped them feel) that I love them and don’t hold anything against them.  I saw one of the girls talking and hanging out with the girl who just the very day before had been the target of her mean and horrible behavior.  I made sure I pulled her aside after recess and told her that it made me so happy to see that she was now being kind to Rozlyn, and that I was proud of her for making such a positive change.

I also got some positive feedback about how I do my job.  I was just walking down the hall at the end of my shift, and Mrs Smith, one of the 1st grade teachers, was there.  just out of the blue, she said to me, "I hope you know how much those  teachers love you.  They talk all the time about how they don't know what they would do without you."  I know that it is important that we love and value ourselves - that we have the ability to "self-validate."  But I tell you what - it feels really nice to have others validate you as well.  I think is one reason why my working has helped keep my depression at bay.  I am a good worker.  I am a good teacher.  I am good with kids.  I believe all of those things to be true.  but when I put those talents to work in the school - I get to SEE the fruits of my labors and I can not only see for myself that I am making a positive difference, I have other people telling me- almost daily - that I am a vital and important part of the team.  That feels good.  I know this might sound prideful and vain, and that is not my intent.  I don't know exactly what my intent is...  maybe just to document the moment for myself, and also to remind myself of two things - to KEEP being a good, hard worker and to earn the praise and respect of others, and also the importance of validating others - because I know for myself that it feels great to have people notice your hard work and efforts.  I think I need to try harder to validate my children more often.

In our family gospel study yesterday we were discussing fear.  This is what I wrote in my “Come Follow Me study journal:”   
(Thurs) we had a good family discussion this morning about fear. (Well, I thought it was good at least…) What is it that causes us fear - and how/what can help us overcome that fear.  For the most part, we decided that fear is most often caused by the unknown.  - (new situations, new people, new experiences) or our thoughts of not being good enough or able to do the said task.  We talked about how turning to Heavenly Father and Jesus are the ways to overcome fear.  If we truly know and believe that with God nothing is Impossible - then there is nothing to fear,.  We also talked about how “failure” isn’t really a bad thing.  It is the way we learn and grow.

I think in our society, we have this idea that “to FAIL” means that we are now of less value.  That we have lost some of our worth somehow.  We need to start seeing failure as a sign that we are working to improve.  That we are trying and learning new things.

It’s true that with God, nothing is impossible, but as I sit here, I think it is important to remember that while it may not be “impossible,” some things may not be part of the plan that God has for us.  The scripture is that WITH GOD - nothing is impossible - that means we need to be on the same page as him - trusting that He knows the end from the beginning.  If we believe that nothing is impossible, and yet are still waiting for that “impossible thing” to happen and start to doubt, we may need to remember that it might just not be the right time yet.  TRUST.  FAITH AND TRUST.

set backs

I guess one Miracle Morning thing that I don’t care for is journaling in the morning.  I suppose that is because in my mind, journaling is still basically just a recap of what I am doing.  IN the book , it is more.  It is a time to write down dreams, hopes, challenges, accomplishments etc…  or something like that.  For me it is still very much a “write down what I did during the day” type of thing, and that is harder to do “the morning after.”  Oh well

Yesterday was not my best day.  I woke up feeling a little off kilter - but couldn’t ever figure out why.  (I did not get up as intended at 5:00…  I‘m sure i woke up long enough to turn off my fitbit silent alarm (it vibrates on my wrist to wake me) but apparently I never really woke up.  I DID wake up (and GET UP) at 5:45.  I did do my new morning routine (still not incorporating exercise on my non- “OWN it” days - but think I’m made some steps in getting that into the routine.  (I’ve mostly cleaned up the section of my room that is blocking the treadmill, so I’m thinking on cold mornings when I don’t go to OWN it to work out, I can just walk/jog/run on the the treadmill for 10 minutes.

I as was saying, yesterday was a weird day.  The day before had been awesome - I had a spring in my step, and song in my head, and was feeling awesome.  Yesterday was like the opposite.  I think there was just something in the air, because the kids at school were off too, and many adult I spoke to said it was a weird day for them as well.  Oh well - TODAY is a NEW DAY, and I am feeling good.

Speaking of the kids at school being off - I had to deal with a couple of situations where kids weren’t being kind to each other.  It is amazing to me how when they get called out on something - it is always someone else’s fault.  A group of kids were being unkind to another girl, and when I talked to them - everyone one of them started off by saying something that tried to pass the blame to someone else.  “They are making me ….”  “He told us we should…”  etc…  I really ripped into them.  They (and the day in general) had basically pushed me OVER my limit and I let them have it!  Two of them lied straight out to me and I stopped them mid-sentence and called them out on it.  In my prayer and visualization this morning I asked for help today in “afterwards showing an increase of love.”  I need to especially look for the positive in those children today - so they know it was the BEHAVIOR that was unacceptable - not THEM.

step by step

Didn’t get up this morning at 5 as I intended, but I did get up at 5:45 so I still have an hour to do my new morning routine.  Only trouble is now EVERYONE is awake, so it is not so quiet and peaceful….
Yesterday was a good day, up until evening, then I sort of got into a funk.  Not exactly sure why or what happened…  maybe because I gave in an took a 45 minute nap?  Maybe because I spent too much time on Facebook - but I feel like I turned to facebook BECAUSE I was in the funk… but it certainly didn’t help.
I did have a good workout yesterday.  Pushed myself harder than i usually do, and had a good attitude.  I finished reading (listening to) the book.  Now I need to listen to it again to catch what I missed the first time, and to solidify the ideas in my mind a  little more.

no catchy title

Yesterday was a good day.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say (as the author of TMM does, that it is like “WAKING UP on CHRISTMAS MORNING…” but I am finding that my days are seeming more productive and purposeful.
Yesterday was a good day at work.  I love the feelings of validation and appreciation that the teachers give so freely.  It helps me see meaning and purpose and value in what I do.  I haven’t always FELT meaningful, helpful, useful, and of value - so in this way, working has been a big help to me.  It has helped me see the good that I can do and be.
Today is a “workout” day - (I have to leave in 5 minutes.  I’m thinking I did not get up quite early enough.  I was hoping I could just have ONE set time to get up - (5am) and make it work for my workout days as well, but it took me 10 minutes to get out of bed, dressed, brush my teeth, let the dog out, notice the dog bowl was low on water and refilled it, etc…  so either I need to get faster as getting up and ready, or I might need to get up a bit earlier on “own it” workout days.  ( and I still haven’t successfully implemented the exercise portion of the miracle morning, but I’m not kicking myself - I am doing well and I am proud of the progress I AM making.
Caleb was feeling anxiety again last night.  I worry about that boy.  He is so young, and yet he feels so much pressure and anxiety already.  Not about things he’s involved in right now (well, except scouts) but about things in the future.  I think he was 5 years old the first time I found him in his bed crying and all upset, all because he was worried that he wouldn’t be a good dad.  That his kids would hate him, he wouldn’t be able to work to provide for a family, etc…  Last night he was worrying about college, serving a mission, and being a grown up.  Somehow I need to help him learn some coping skills - or I worry that he will REALLY have trouble once he hits puberty and the hormones and teenage pressures of life start compounding his natural anxiety.

Happy Sabbath

Good morning.  I didn’t do TMM yesterday.  It was Sunday, I woke up with w slight headache that stayed with me all day.  Still have it, in fact.  I’m trying to determine what my personal affirmation should be.  (knowing it will shift and change)  How about, “Everyday I am making choices that bring me closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.  With each choice, I am becoming more and more my best self - the person I was sent here to become.”  Maybe I try that out for a while and see how it “fits.”
This is my journaling time, so I’ll write about yesterday.  As I said, it was Sunday.  It was the first day back on 9 am church, and the first day on the new 2 hour block.  It was a good church meeting.  It was fast Sunday (which probably didn’t help my headache at all.)  Testimony was filled with the youth.  (only two “adults” shared their testimonies, the remainder of the time was the youth.  In fact, both Bryan and Caleb shared testimonies - Bryan about the power of the priesthood, and Caleb about having a prayer answered.  It is fun to see my boys growing up
After dinner we  had our family wrap up discussion about the things we studied and learned this week (the Come Follow Me home and individual study program)  Today we will start on Lesson 2.)
In the evening, Caleb wanted to make cookies to take to his teachers from Primary (Bro Ure & Bro Carlson - that he no longer has) and his new Sunday School teachers (Bro & Sis White).  We made a big tray of Peanut Butter Bars, and there were enough that Bryan took some to his teachers as well.  I have great kids - who are very thoughtful and loving.

A New Beginning - The Miracle Morning

I am reading the book, the Miracle Morning, and it teaches the idea that if you get up and dedicate a specific time in the morning to “self improvement” miracles happen in your life.  He (the author) started out by doing 6 specific things, for 10 minutes each.  (the 6 things, in whatever order I can think of them... 1) silence (meditation, prayer, ponder)  2) journaling  3) read  4) exercise  5) affirmations and…. 6)   ???  it’s not coming to me.  I’ll keep listening to the book.  (i just started it yesterday.) 

I had tentatively decided that after I finished the book, I would do the 30 day miracle morning challenge and give it try for one month to see what changes I experienced.  Well, I haven’t finished the book (i’m only in chapter 4) but apparently my mind/body/spirit wanted me to start today :)  because I woke up at 5 am.  I fought getting out of bed for about 20 minutes, (I really hate the cold and have really never loved mornings) but then I finally gave up the fight and I am up.

I really don’t know what I am doing, where to begin, what to do…  etc… but I am up.