four years later....

(written 8/12/2018) Last Sunday Katrina was teaching the lesson for her Sunday School class about the importance of keeping journal.  She took as visual aides our family history books (Allred & Christensen), the binder of letters exchanged between Jens & Lavina (while Jens was on his mission)  plus she took the blog book I had printed out back when I was blogging regularly  (the year Caleb was born, 2007)  It was SO much fun to go back through that book and read the posts.  Yes, some were lame and boring, but some were quite funny.  Many were things that I hadn't remembered at all but LOVED reading.  My kids have had a ball all week reading posts from that book.  It really made me regret the fact that I stopped writing.

Katrina told me during the week - Mom - you need to start blogging again.  Now really, blogging is out of "vogue" - i will no longer have the benefit of people reading and commenting on my blog - which is a big form of external validation for me - (one of my weaknesses is my need for external validation)  But I am going to give it a try.

I don't have a lot of time right now - but let's be honest, that is the story of my life - I never have lots of time!  I;m not even sure really where to begin.  For a little while I did keep a journal of sorts.  I was trying to be better about writing letters to the missionaries I knew, and so each week I would write a long missive about my week, (basically a long winded journal entry) then I would mail it off as a missionary letter.  The benefit to that was that 1) I was keeping a journal of my week's events  and 2) because I was writing it to send to missionaries, I focused more on the hand of God in my life and my daily events.  It was good for me.  Not sure exactly that the missionaries thought of my lengthy weekly updates, but it was good for me.  Maybe I will go through those and post them in here - then it won't be quite as big of a gap and will fill in a few holes here and there :)  It will be funny - because if I do that, I will just date them for when I wrote them, so you will read all those - and then read this one and they will be out of order.  Then again - I can just pull a "words of Mormon" kind of thing, and insert this post BEFORE those - that is probably what I will do. 

For now - I am dressed and ready to go to church.  headed to listen to a friend of Aaron speak in church before leaving on his mission, then back to our ward at 1 to sing with the choir, then I am subbing in primary - doing the music.  Then tonight we have stake women's choir (preparing for upcoming stake conference)  All in all - should be a fun, busy, music filled, Sabbath Day

So yesterday was bit of a "crazy day."  I didn't have/make/take the time in the morning to go walking or to the rec center, and the afternoon was jam packed.  (part of my morning drama was that I needed to make a dessert for the court of honor.  I make peanut butter bars cause they are quick and easy, and feed a lot of people.  only AFTER I had them in the over, did I remember that we have a boy int he ward who is deathly allergic to peanuts.  Now what?  I then made another dessert)

I left at 2 to pick up and Aaron and drive him to Orem for his appt. with Dr. Stringham.  Dropped him off, then drove to Springville to pick up the afternoon carpool.  Dropped everyone at their homes, then  helped Caleb finish his project/report on Jupiter.  3:40 - back to Orem to pick up Aaron at 4.  Back home again for a few minutes, then off to soccer practice from 5 - 6.  After practice, one of the other players needed a ride home, so over to the west side of Provo (by the mall) I go, getting home at 6:25.  Supposed to be at the church at 6:30 for court of honor/dinner.  Hurry to finish prepping the dessert I was supposed to bring,  got there only 10 minutes late.  There until 8:45, then headed back home (after dropping off some extra people).  Home by 9.  THEN started our evening "Easter Week devotional thing.  I felt bad for Katrina, as it was her night to teach.  (it was actually the lesson for yesterday ("teaching Tuesday" that we missed)  She had prepared well and was excited and ready to go...  everyone else was tired and cranky and not really contributing to the spirit in a positive way...

At the end of the day, I only had 4563 steps, and it stopped the great streak that I had going...  Oh well, I knew I had to get up at 5 this morning to go work out, so it was more important to go to bed.

Kids singing in church

So, today Katrina and Bryan sang in sacrament meeting.  I was so very proud of them.   Although after they were done and I asked how it was, they said they felt scared, you really couldn't tell at all by looking at them... they appeared cool and relaxed.  (I could tell they were a little scared just because I could hear it in their voices and they didn't sing with as much confidence as they did when we practiced - but since I am too much of a chicken to sing a solo in church, I thought they were WONDERFUL!)

I was chatting with a FB friend this afternoon and she said how she wished she could have heard them...  This isn't the same, but since we aren't supposed to record during sacrament meeting, this is as close as we can get... so enjoy.  I LOVE music and I'm so glad my kids love it too!

improved scripture study

Read a blog post today that I really like.  I certainly  need to find a way to improve my personal scripture/ gospel study.  I wasn't sure the best way to reference it so that I could find it again, so I figured I'd just link it here:

http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-battle-in-our-brains/

Several months ago I attended the Mormon Women Project Salon Event, at which I heard Tina Peterson speak. The title for her breakout session was, “Becoming a Deliberate Student of the Gospel.” Tina has a degree in Near Eastern Studies and has studied the Old and New Testament in their original languages from multiple sources including the Dead Sea Scrolls.

“That’s where you need to be,” I said to myself. So I chose her class. And by the end of the evening, it was Tina’s words that stayed with me most. They hung in my mind for weeks.   She so revolutionized my study and thinking that, with her permission, I share what she taught here.

Tina first talked about the mechanics of effective scripture study. They were the standard “should-dos” until she got to #4.

1. Pray before you begin.
2. Read, cross-reference, immerse yourself in the texts.
3. Keep a notepad and pencil near you. Write down every impression that comes to you, without dismissing thoughts that may seem random or out of context.
4. Over time, look back at what you have written and search for patterns. Trends and themes will emerge. You will see what the Holy Ghost is trying to teach you.

Wow, I thought. I jot down notes, scribble in the margins, underline in various colors, but looking for patterns, themes, and messages over time? That hadn’t occurred to me.

Then Tina got serious, because we were short on time, and she said, “Now I’m going to tell you what I feel strongly you need to hear.” We were listening.

“The battle today, between Babylon and Zion, is being waged between the synapses of our brains.”

(I’m no neurologist, but I’ve had enough physiology to know that synapses are how our brains process messages. They are crucial to the biological computation of perception and thought.)

Tina explained that in this information age when messages, images, and information are coming at us almost faster than we can receive them, our brains are creating new neural pathways to accommodate the input. The first time we see an image on a screen (we’re not talking about pornography here, although it does apply) – like a blog page, a news feed, texts, or facebook – our brain creates a new neural pathway to process that image. It is the same with new sounds or any stimuli to the senses, but let’s use the visual image for this discussion.

Input always travels the path of least resistance. So the second time we see the new image, it will travel the same route. And before long, the new neural pathway has been stimulated enough to “desire” of itself continued activation. A habit is born.

After that, when the brain is not currently occupied, we long for that image. That is why we constantly check our phones or email. That is why, when we have a free moment, we click onto a favorite blog, check facebook, and tweets, or any other source of input we frequent. Without realizing it, we have begun to crave these places of input, hunger for them, to the point where they can surreptitiously dominate our time.

Tina said the only way to counterbalance this is with ancient and modern scripture. We must expose our brains repeatedly to the image or sound of God’s words. Printed, glowing on the page, read aloud, or discussed with friends. That is where God’s Spirit lives. It is where His mind and will can rise out of the texts we read or the conversations we share, and filter into our lives, allowing revelation to move through us.

Satan knows the physiology of the brain. He knows if he can encourage overstimulation through an overload of mundane or technical information, he can increase the odds that we will not seek more spiritual sources for input, thus making scripture study tedious.

Recent studies have also shown that when our minds are over-stimulated, we begin to make decisions without considering the consequences. Much of the time, these quick decisions are not the best ones for us. An abundance of “information” prompts reactionary responses and elevates feelings of anxiety. All of this distracts us from the peace the Lord offers through His Word, and deprives us of much needed pondering time – time when our minds can reinforce more spiritual pathways.

Then Tina said this,

“Your time with the word of the Lord is your personal Urim and Thummim. It is there that God will speak to you. Frequent the scriptures often enough that your brain craves that kind of input – that your day feels incomplete without it.”

Have you been there? That place of truly feasting on God’s word? I have. And I’m sure you have too. I love how Jeremiah describes it.

“Thy words were found, and I did eat them; and thy word was unto me the joy and rejoicing of mine heart” (Jeremiah 15:16).

I have also been in that place where I don’t crave the scriptures, because my reading is sporadic, even neglectful. And in retrospect, I can see I have filled my precious time with things that matter much less.

After hearing Tina talk, I realized I can’t afford to neglect my time in the scriptures. I can’t risk being a voice to my children, my friends, or the Relief Society sisters I teach, if I am not partaking regularly of God’s word. Time with the word of the Lord is its own system of checks and balances for me. It’s how the Lord rights me, keeps me on course.

Naturally, the sources of input mentioned here are not bad things. But Tina’s words have helped me make a conscious effort to open my scriptures each day before computer time, reading any other book, or another leisurely activity. I have started recording impressions. And it is astounding the level of happy confidence I have felt. I am still working on the habit, but I’m getting better at hearing as I go. “The words of the Lord are pure words, said the Psalmist, and I am discovering that within them we can see things “as they really are and as they really will be” (Jacob 4:13).

What about you? How is your scripture study going? What do you think of this battle in the brain? 

Well - I don't know about you - but know that I need to do better.  and I need to start today!

It is finished

(dual meaning there in the title, quoting the Savior's  words as he was in the final stages of the infinite and everlasting  atonement...  and  in regard to giving my talk in sacrament meeting.  The Savior's words  are MUCH MUCH more meaningful...)

Our talks went well today.  I thought Tim's was  great, and I was left  feeling a little "undone" with  mine.  Just too  much information and not enough time to convey it all :)

I am posting her the basic plan I meant to follow.  Didn't really stick to it - but then again, I  never do.

Good morning, and Happy Easter,

It has been a very interesting week for me.  As I have been studying and preparing to give this talk today,  I feel I was blessed to have an increase of the Lord’s spirit with me, which lead to an increase in understanding regarding the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His great love for us.  In this regard -  it was a wonderful week!  On the other hand, it was also a rather challenging week.  Tim and Aaron were gone to California on a school field trip, and it was left to me to take care of everything here at home.  School easter parties to plan and host, carpools to drive, soccer games and practices, fulfilling my primary calling responsibilities, preparing meals, regular housework, overseeing and checking all the homework, making pinewood derby cars, and more.  one night in particular, the weight of everything was just too much,  and I could not sleep.  THe next day, as I stood at  my sink washing dishes in a sleep deprived stupor,  the thought came to me, How  does the prophet ever sleep?  If the weight of a kindergarten Easter party, preparing a talk for sacrament meeting, the upcoming pinewood derby, and my children’s homework are enough to put me in this state, how does President Monson ever sleep?  He has the weight of the entire world on his shoulders.  Now I haven’t taken the opportunity to confirm this with President Monson, but I am pretty sure that while he probably does have a few sleepless nights here and there, I believe the reason he can sleep at  night is because he has a great understanding of the role of Jesus Christ as our Savior and Redeemer.  I believe he draws daily from the power and strength that is available through the atonement.

As I have studied this week, it became  clear to me  that I have not applied myself to understanding or utilizing the Atonement in my life as much as I should.  Yes, I know the basics.  Probably even one step above your basic “sunday school” answers, I was living off of the basic “missionary discussion answers” from 20 years ago.  Back in the days before “Preach  My Gospel,”  we used a set of discussions that we memorized.  The second discussion was all about the role of Jesus Christ in the plan of salvation.  I would teach it this way:

There are  two obstacles that stand in our way of becoming  like our Father in Heaven.  The first is physical death.  Because we each have  mortal bodies, at some  point we will all die.  Our bodies will remain here  on earth, our spirits will  move  on to the spirit world. This separation of our bodies and spirits  is called physical death.  The second obstacle is spiritual death.  Spiritual death is the separation of us from God because of our sin.  No unclean thing can dwell with God,  so because of  our sins,  we  cannot return to live  with Him unless we are first forgiven and cleansed.   

Because Jesus triumphed over physical death and was resurrected,  all of us will  be resurrected.   Resurrection is a free gift to each of us,  regardless of whether we  have done good or evil in this life.  Jesus also  made it possible to overcome spiritual death.  Through the grace of Christ,  we can become clean from  sin.  As part of the plan of his Father, Christ paid the penalty for our sins.  We are forgiven when we accept Christ, repent, and follow his commandments.  In this way,  we are cleansed of our sins.  We can become worthy to return to  the presence  of God.  The triumph of Jesus over physical death and  spiritual death is called the atonement.  Through the atonement  we can return to live with God.  

“In paying for the penalty for our  sins, Jesus  did  not eliminate our personal responsibility.  WE must  take  certain steps to show that  we accept  him and  that  we will follow  his commandments.   We call these steps the first principles and ordinances  of the gospel.”   we then went  on to teach about Faith, repentance,  baptism,  receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and then ENDURING to the  end in obedience.

Now while  there is nothing doctrinally incorrect in what  I was teaching those 20 years ago, (or quite  frankly what I have  been teaching since then…) I am afraid  that I was very limited in my scope and understanding.  My limited  understanding of the atonement has also been a key factor in my feelings of  inadequacy and continually falling  short.   I  have a good friend, a  super achiever of a woman, who  several  years ago just kind of gave up.  She said to me,  "I just figured that as long as I’m  never going to be  “good enough” I might as well  stop killing myself trying."  Now she  just kind of “goes through the motions,” but without the hope and joy that that the savior has to offer.  I have to admit, that I have shared her feelings at times.  With my understanding  of “resurrection is a free gift, but there are certain things we  have to do  to   “earn” forgiveness.”   It was easy to always feel like I didn’t quite measure up.  Now pay attention there - I just used the word “earn.”  If you were listening closely before, the true doctrine of the atonement from my old missionary discussions never used the word “earn”.   Somehow  in my brain,  I changed a  few  words, and I am  not alone in this  ‘rewriting of doctrine.”  Many  people in the church have adopted a skewed idea of the atonement.   Somewhere along the  line  we  convinced  ourselves that  we have  to  “earn  our way” to heaven.  I  am going to attempt today to shift that thinking just a little  bit.

About a year ago I was doing some work  around the house,  and ended up in my room folding laundry.  The TV was  on  an Caleb was  watching  channel 11 PBS kids.  At 11:00 the kids programming  turned  off and the daily BYU devotional came  on.  I  was about done  folding the clothes  and was going to  turn off the TV and get back to work,  but as the speaker began, I was caught by his words and sat down to listen.  about 40 minutes later I was  still sitting there, tears running  down my face, and new understanding of the atonement starting to take root in my  mind.  The  talk was by Brad Wilcox,  and is titled “His Grace is Sufficient.”  I would love to read the entire talk to you, but I realize that would be a less effective use to my time, but I encourage you to  go home and pull it up  online and listen to or read it in it’s entirety.   In this talk, Brother Wilcox  gives an analogy that I can totally relate to and  understand.  The analogy of the  piano lessons.

"Christ’s arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child. Mom pays the piano teacher. Because Mom pays the debt in full, she can turn to her child and ask for something. What is it? Practice! Does the child’s practice pay the piano teacher? No. Does the child’s practice repay Mom for paying the piano teacher? No. Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for Mom’s incredible gift. It is how he takes advantage of the amazing opportunity Mom is giving him to live his life at a higher level. Mom’s joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used—seeing her child improve. And so she continues to call for practice, practice, practice.

If the child sees Mom’s requirement of practice as being too overbearing, perhaps it is because he doesn’t yet see with mom’s eyes. He doesn’t see how much better his life could be if he would choose to live on a higher plane.

In the same way, because Jesus has paid justice, He can now turn to us and say, “Follow me” (Matthew 4:19), “Keep my commandments” (John 14:15). If we see His requirements as being way too much to ask, maybe it is because we do not yet see through Christ’s eyes. We have not yet comprehended what He is trying to make of us.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen has written, “The great Mediator asks for our repentance not because we must ‘repay’ him in exchange for his paying our debt to justice, but because repentance initiates a developmental process that, with the Savior’s help, leads us along the path to a saintly character” (The Broken Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989], 149; emphasis in original).

President Spencer W. Kimball’s said it this way,  “The repenting sinner must suffer for his sins, but this suffering has a different purpose than punishment or payment. Its purpose is change” (The Lord’s Way [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1991], 223; emphasis in original). Let’s put that in terms of our analogy: The child must practice the piano, but this practice has a different purpose than punishment or payment. Its purpose is change."

The teacher gives  the student a piece of music.  The student practices it until  they have mastered the skills necessary to “pass it off.”  are  they then finished and  they graduate from piano lessons?  NO.  the teacher gives them a new piece to learn.  Maybe a little harder than the last one.  Maybe a piece that is a review of past skills they’ve learned.  The teacher is continually pushing them to improve.  

As a child I took piano lessons.  HATED it!  I saw practice as a punishment, not a pathway to change.   The  rule at  our house was 30  minutes of practice every day.  I had to sit on that piano bench and “practice” for 30 minutes!  I regret to tell you that I did  not  use my practice time to change for the better.  I sat there,  fiddling around,  but not  really  progressing.  Now, as an adult,  I look back  and wish I had taken advantage of that opportunity.  

A common question asked by those  who question our faith is “Have you been saved by grace?”  The answer is YES - ABSOLUTELY.  The follow up question SHOULD be ,  have we allowed ourselves to be CHANGED by grace?   We are not earning our way to heaven. We are learning heaven. We are preparing for it (see D&C 78:7). We are practicing for it.”

“A life impacted by grace eventually begins to look like Christ’s life.”  As Moroni puts it, grace isn’t just about being saved. It is also about becoming like the Savior (see Moroni 7:48).

The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can be cleansed and consoled but that we can be transformed (see Romans 8). The scriptures make it clear that no unclean thing can dwell with God (see Alma 40:26), but, indeed, no unchanged thing will even want to.

Here is where I ran out of time for writing, so you just get to imagine how I wrapped things up... here are a few jumble of thoughts and quotes that I though I might need:

Redeem: to make better or more acceptable, to change for the better.  Christ did not just atone for us so that we could be saved.  He atoned for us so that we would could be saved AND redeemed.  That we could be made BETTER.  

This is  the role of Christ as our Redeemer.  He is giving us the chance,  each day -  to PRACTICE being like him.  And just like anything you really practice at - we can improve,  a  little bit each day.  I love my daughters piano  teacher, Sister Walker.  She does  not give her students a set time they need to  practice.  She gives them sills to practice.  She teaches them HOW to practice.  how much time is takes to practice is really up to them.  

Story about choir - the  difference between hearing something and being touched by it, vs making it a part of us.  SPadafora story.   

Richard G scott, october 2013

One virtuous young woman asked me what I feel is the most important thing they should be doing in their lives right now. I suggested they learn to recognize the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ in their lives.  

Challenge.  To spend the week preparing a talk on the atonement.  To dig a little deeper.  

Talk preparation

So last week, Tim and I were asked to speak in church this Sunday.  You know me, I love to talk...  always have PLENTY to say, so no problem-o, right?   Not so much.  Maybe it shouldn't be this way, but I feel  a bit more pressure since it is Easter Sunday.

I have spend  this entire week  reading and studying about the Atonement o Jesus Christ.  It has been a wonderful week.  (on the other side of the coin, it has also been a challenging week because Tim left earlier Monday morning to go to California  as a chaperone on Aaron's  8th grade field  trip.  Being a "single parent" is not easy.)  Interesting  dichotomy.

It has been interesting to me  to learn so much this week, and yet I still don't have a talk prepared.  (or even anything close!)  SO many thoughts and ideas and feelings churning around  in my mind - and I just can't seem to narrow them down.  I went to the temple tonight, hoping for some clarity there.  It was wonderful - peaceful.  but not clear direction regarding my talk or some primary questions I was asking.

I want to invite the spirit in a way that the congregation will  be able to FEEL and know of the Savior's love. I desire that their understanding of how the atonement can help them everyday, in everything,  not just when we "sin."  I want to reach out to those who are struggling and feel they are always falling short - I want them to know that they are NOT out of reach of the atonement.  I've read  so many talks and books and everything, now I can't remember who said  what - or  know how to find a particular thought or quote again.  I was sitting up,  trying to write out an outline, hoping that would help  sort out the many jumbled thoughts in my mind, but instead, it is just ended up as a jumbled mess of  thoughts on paper...

I've decided I will go to bed instead, and hope that the spirit will communicate with  my soul  tonight while I sleep, and I'll wake up with a little more clarity.  Also glad to know that  Tim and Aaron will  be  home tomorrow.  YEAH!  (can't  wait to see if he was actually able to ind any time to write his talk - while riding on a bus with a bunch of  noisy teenagers and while keeping busy all week running from one destination to another... trying to keep 6 teenage  boys in line :)

Good  night

Spring Break - Friday

Another beautiful spring day today.  Tim worked from home, so we got to see him a little bit more than other days, which is always nice.  The "FUN" plan for today was to have a campfire cookout, but that isn't until dinner time... so here is what we did the rest of the day.

Aaron went over to his friend Alexa's house to hang out for the afternoon.  I took Katrina to get her hair trimmed.

I  tackled some more laundry, included the dreaded sock pile!  - I'm finally getting close to the bottom of the dirty clothes MOUNTAIN, and hopefully our closet clean out projects will help future laundry mountains be a little smaller and  more manageable.  I also helped Tim review our taxes so we can  finalize those and get them submitted -blech!  The kids cleaned their rooms, then played outside and on the computer the rest of the day.

another unplanned adventure -  taking Caleb to the doctor.   (back story- last Thursday, Caleb woke up with a fever and complaining of a sore throat - also a croupy sounding cough.  I wasn't worried, as a few of the other kids  had just gotten  over having a similar sounding cough,  just figured it was Caleb's turn and I kept him home from school both Thursday and Friday.  Since last week,  he hasn't had a fever at all, and hasn't complained about his throat or anything else, but he kind of lost his  voice and the  cough hasn't seemed to get any better at all.   They were sleeping outside  again last  night and I woke up several times last night to hear him hacking away.  It concerned me enough that I thought I'd  better take him in today to make  sure  it really was the "nothing" that  I was treating it as.)  We got in to see one of the pediatricians, and she listened for a while (much longer than  normal) to his chest/ breathing/ coughing, but she said  it was all still up high and not to worry about the cough.  His  ears  were clear...   THEN  she looked in his  mouth.

 "HIS TONSILS ARE HUGE!!!!"  

She let  me look, and she was  right,  they were pretty BIG!  She did a strep test - and  sure enough, this 'mother of the year' let her  kid go all spring  break with STREP!  A stop at the store/pharmacy for an antibiotic and Popsicles,  and we were back home in time to get ready for the fire.

Fred and Christie had been invited to join us, and Katrina's  friend Elisa was here too.  The kids were their usual show-off selves, but it was fun.  Hamburgers and hotdogs, all flame broiled over the fire, chips,  veggies, fruit, and of course MARSHMALLOWS.  a yummy ending to a  good day.