Emotionally unavailable

This is a little long - sorry. It's just what's on my mind this morning. (of course, I'm long winded enough that most of my posts are a little long)

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine this weekend, in which she felt the need to point out to me that I am emotionally unavailable. That I keep myself emotionally distant in relationships. That I don't really have "friends" I only have "acquaintances."

I won't go into a litany of reasons why I may chose to not "reveal" myself and my inner feelings and emotions to this particular friend, the fact would still remain the same that I think her assessment is pretty accurate. It is something I have been concerned about in myself for a long time now, but have never really been quite sure how to go about changing it.

Historically, I have always changed "best friends" pretty regularly. In hindsight, I believe it is/was a defense mechanism I developed somewhere along the way. The "if I leave first, I won't feel rejected" kind of thought process. And yet, it was never a conscious thing. It just sort of happened. In fact, it wasn't until I was contemplating marriage that I actually started recognizing my pattern and became concerned about it. I worried, "How am I going to be in a marriage for ETERNITY, if I don't even have the capacity to maintain a close friendship for more than a year at a time???"

I did a Google search this morning in an effort to try to make some positive changes in this regard, and I would have to say that I found myself pretty well described. I read this:

"Emotional availability refers to the ability of a person to share feelings with another person. In order for this to happen, a person needs to be in touch with his or her own emotions and able to define them. This person would have a good working knowledge of his or her own feelings and be able to identify when he or she feels angry, afraid, hurt, sad, happy, or content."

PROBLEM ONE - I am NOT in touch with my own emotions. I will often feel an emotion, and not only do I have trouble identifying if I am sad, or angry, or frustrated, -- I honestly don't have a clue why I feel the the way I do.

Next quote "In addition to becoming familiar with your emotions, there are three other elements that are related to developing the capacity to be emotionally available - Good self-esteem, Healthy boundaries, and the ability to trust"

PROBLEM TWO - I have low self-esteem, no apparent ability to set healthy boundaries, and have always struggles with trust issues. No wonder there's a problem EH?

SO.... What am I going to do about it ???? I'm not exactly sure. I think for the time being it will be enough to PONDER more about it. You know what they say, recognizing the problem is half the battle. I'm not sure that in this case it's really HALF the battle, more like a trifle, but at least it's a start.

On a different - and more bragging note - I beat Tim in Scrabble last night for what I believe is the first time ever in our marriage. Even though I dare say I am probably the better speller and probably have a bigger vocabulary, he is MUCH more patient and spends lots of time figuring out exactly how to get the most points on every turn. (I usually go off and do other things while it's his turn, cause they usually take a while.) All I can say is that last night I got really lucky. I drew all the big point value letters - I got z, j, x, - and was able to use them all. (And I still only won by like 10 points, he usually wins by 50-100+)

Ultrasound

I had my 20 week ultrasound today. Everything looks good. Did not find out gender. (I did have them write it down and seal it in an envelope, because Tim usually likes to know, so this gives him the chance to find out - he just can't let me know that he knows.) The measurements put my due date on December 10th. ( I had figured around the 14th, so I'll take the 10th - every day counts!.)
It's nice to know that as far as they can tell, everything points to a healthy baby/pregnancy.

PONDERING.....

So - here's what I'm currently pondering. I've been thinking a lot about the question of our family and how many children we should have. I'm pretty certain I'm ready for this to be our last. It's been a really difficult time for me - physically, mentally, emotionally - and as a result it's been a pretty rough time for Tim and the kids.

So the other day I was praying specifically about this question and the scripture came into my mind that reads " And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." (Mosiah 4:27) I thought - great. I am running at (or past) the limit of my strength, so I take as my answer that I am done.

The very next second THIS scripture popped into my head. "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

So here is my dilemma - I feel like I am already "running" as fast as I can - and that I really can't take on any more. Yet when I think of the 2nd scripture, I start to think - maybe I just don't have enough faith or trust in the Lord. If I were more humble and willing to work at it, I could become strong in these areas where I am currently weak, and then I would have more strength to "run" faster and do more. Do you see what I mean? So do I say "I'm running as fast as I can and I am not responsible to take on any more." or do I say "okay, I'll agree to take on more, pray and be humble, and trust that the Lord will make me stronger and more capable of handling everything."????????

I don't know. If any of you (all 4 of you who read my blog) have any opinion or insights, feel free to share them.

Things are going well

I hope I don't jinx myself by saying it - but things really have been going pretty well the past couple days? (Hmmmmmm - maybe I should "repent" more often?????)

Tim got home early from scout camp. Instead of leaving the camp (four hours away) on Saturday morning, they packed up and came home Friday night. He nearly gave me a heart attack when I heard him "breaking in" just after midnight. It was great to have him home all day Saturday though. He was a huge help in helping me get everything finished up in the big room re-arrange and de-junking/organizing toys campaign. I was pretty much burned out by mid day on Saturday and I honestly don't think I would have been able to push through to the end. We got it done - and as a reward (for the kids, not us) we went to Chuck-E-Cheese for dinner. The kids had a great time blowing their 130+ tokens on the games and rides. It was super fun for the kids, and it is always fun for me to see them having fun. (Plus, I didn't have to make dinner:)

Saturday our August issue of the Ensign came and one of the cover articles caught my attention. The article is titled - "Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy." I immediately opened it up to read, and Tim happened to walk by. He saw the title and said something like "oh, that looks like just what you need." I couldn't agree more. It was such a boon to my soul and exactly what I needed to read right now. One highlight was that he suggested that when you attend church, you should go with " a willingness to feel and be strengthened." He said we need to stop rushing around on Sunday's trying to get everything (and more) done, and that our church meetings are a time for us to be strengthened - not just to come home with a longer checklist of things to do. I did that yesterday. I spent the day feeling and desiring to be strengthened, and not worrying about everything I wasn't doing exactly right. I have to say, I had a delightful Sabbath. (This article was based on a conference talk given by Elder Maxwell 31 years ago titled "not withstanding my weakness") I plan to look that talk up and use it for my gospel study today.)

Anyway - I was going to talk about what I'm currently pondering, and invite your opinions - but I think this is already plenty long, so tune in tomorrow for the opportunity to chime in on my current "gospel question/pondering"

Updates

Me: Yesterday was a really good day (anyone else here noticing a pattern? Good day/bad day - let's hope we break the cycle today-- I'm going for 2 good days in a row...) Knowing that I don't sleep well when Tim is away, I chose to work really really hard all day - so that I'd be really tired come night time. I disassembled the bunk bed that was downstairs - hauled it upstairs and put it back together. Took apart and moved the crib into the other upstairs bedroom. Rearranged the dressers and kid furniture stuff into the "new" correct bedrooms. I moved Bryan to the lower bunk (he slept there last night pretty well) and Aaron will be on the upper bunk. Trina will stay in the other room and when the baby comes they'll share a room. (We have another bedroom downstairs (which I spent a whole week last year painting in a Buzz Lightyear space theme for Aaron), but neither of the kids will sleep down there in "the scary spooky basement!")
Today I plan to continue the rearranging - maybe swapping out Trina's full size bed for the twin I have in the storage room, putting up the full (or the twin if Trina continues to balk at the swap) bed in the "space room" - after I get it cleaned up. The room is really messy, because even though the room to to "scary" to sleep in, they love to play down there and I never go down to supervise the clean-up, so it doesn't happen) I'm going to have the kids help me go through the toys and throw out things that don't get played with or are missing pieces, etc...
I also have on my agenda today to go through Aaron school clothes and see what still fits so that I can order whatever things he needs. (He wears a uniform, so it makes it MUCH easier to shop and carryover clothes from year to year.)

Pregnancy: Almost 1/2 way! I am at 19 weeks. My ultra sound is scheduled for next Wednesday, but I don't plan to find out what we're having. I prefer to have it be a surprise at birth. Things seem to be going fine, I've pretty much run out of my "regular clothes" that I can fit into, so I've pulled out the maternity stuff. I've loving not feeling sick all the time, and my energy levels are much better. (the mood swings are still more drastic than I've ever had before, but I'm hoping it's the pregnancy - and not my actual permanent mental state.

I was going to do a few other chit chat updates, but this has gone on long enough, so I'll sign of and get to work! I told Aaron that if he helps out today and works hard, then I will take us out to chuck-e-cheese for dinner. By the look on his face, I think I've recruited a helper (for at least a while:)

Later -

time to repent

Good morning - I just said goodbye to Tim and sent him off to scout camp for the rest of the week. Luckily he and the other leaders split the time up this year, so he only had to take time off work today and tomorrow, instead of a whole week like last year. It is still hard for me to have him gone and I'll ge very glad when he comes home Saturday.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. In fact, it was one of my worst days in a while. I just felt so down and discouraged, and unmotivated, etc... - and that's saying something since I've had some bad days pretty regularly of late... I have a good friend who is going through an incredibly difficult time (I wrote a bit about it once before - like my 2nd or 3rd post, titled A brand New Day - I don't know how to do the linking thing) Anyway, he is still really really struggling, and I try to email him thoughts or talks or articles that I think might help. Yesterday I sent along a conference talk given many years ago by President Benson, titled "Do not despair" in which Pres Benson gives 12 ways to combat feelings of depression and despair. The 12 things were repentance, prayer, service, work, health, reading, blessings, fasting, friends, music, endurance, and goals.

As I lay in bed last night, I kept thinking of the things I read in that article and I realized that I was in need of some repenting. I am not currently guilty of "grievous" sins or anything like that, but I have definitely put my personal spiritual growth on the back burner. My personal prayers are practically non-existent and my personal gospel study is right with the personal prayers. I prayed and asked for forgiveness and the willpower to make the changes I need to make in my life. Do I think I will never have down days again? Nope. I expect what happened to the people of Alma in the Book of Mormon, when they were in captivity and they prayed for deliverance. I have always found it interesting that the Lord doesn't deliver them right away. Instead, He strengthens them so that they can more easily bear their burdens.

1. Mosiah 24: 15
   15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

My expectation is that if I show enough perseverance that the lord knows I am really trying to make an effort to improve, he will give me more strength and greater patience to endure that which I am called upon to endure. Now I just need to work on practicing doing it "cheerfully."

I did get up this morning and have some personal gospel study time and personal prayer. One step at a time. That's all I have to do. One baby step at a time!

I'm back!

Hello again. I meant to get one last post before I left for Montana, but as you can see - that didn't happen, and since Laura doesn't currently have Internet service, I wasn't able to check and send email or post anything.

It was a long and exhausting week, but good. My mom ended up going with me instead of my dad, and that was a HUGE help for me. My mom is like a total workhorse. She NEVER stops going. She's the kind of person that puts the energizer bunny to shame. We basically spent the week trying to keep the laundry done, people feed, and house clean-ish. We tried to take the kids out for at least a couple hours each day in the afternoon so that Laura could get some sleep. Laura seemed to make some good progress in the re-cooperating arena as well. When we got there she was still having trouble getting up and down off the couch, and it was still incredibly painful to walk, sit, move, etc... When we left she seemed to have more energy, and was moving a bit less tentatively. Damon's parents are supposed to go up there this week to help out, so hopefully that will happen. If not, we left a freezer full of ready to eat or ready to bake meals, and when we left Saturday at 3:00 am, all the laundry was done.

The new baby, Bethany, is just adorable. Unfortunately I forgot to take the digital camera - so I can't post any pictures. You'll just have to take my word for it. She is so TINY! She had her two week (just shy of) check up the day before we left and she weighed 6.8. (My smallest baby was born 7.13, so Bethany seems just SO SO TINY to me! You wouldn't think that 1 1/2 pounds would make THAT big of a difference, but it sure seemed to.

When we got back Saturday, I was SO tired. Luckily, we had our annual neighborhood HOA picnic Saturday, and on Sunday my neighbors invited us over for Sunday dinner, so I haven't had to cook at all since I got home. Tim had the whole house clean and sparkling (he even cleaned out the fridge - which has been in desperate need for a while...) He had a table cloth on the table, with flowers, a gift, some chocolate, and the sweetest note I've ever received! I was SO Sweet! Apparently, he missed me while I was gone. (This is like the first time I've been gone for a long time and left him at home. Usually it's him that is gone - for work, or scout camps etc...) Suffice it to say, it was a very nice atmosphere to come home to, and I feel more loved, more appreciated, and more beautiful - It's a nice feeling!


My agenda for today is to water the garden, clean out the van, tackle some of the mountain of laundry (not as bad as it could have been, since I did 2 loads of my own stuff while in MT.), and plan out the menu for the week so I can go shopping to restock the newly cleaned out fridge.

It's good to be home, and good to feel fairly rested after a pretty relaxing Saturday night and Sunday.

Today was a BUSY day. But a good one. Yesterday my little sister had her baby, a little girl after 4 boys. The baby was transverse breach and had to be delivered C-Section. She's now wondering how in the world she is going to take care of husband, new baby, 4 boys, and the house, when she isn't supposed to climb stairs, bend over, lift anything, vacuum, do laundry, etc... for 6 weeks. She said, "I might be able to put together a dinner, but I can't bend over and lift it in and out of the oven. (Her oldest is 10, so he can help quite a bit, but still...)

Her husband was able to take most of this week off, so I am planning to go up this weekend and spend a week up there "helping." I have to put that in quotes because I'm not sure how much help I can be when my coming up adds a tired, hormonal pregnant woman and three more rambunctious kids to the mix... but I'll do my best.

In order to hopefully be more helpful, I spent the day today making freezer meals for the week I'll be up there. I figure that it will save me LOTS and LOTS of time and energy in food prep time and clean up time. I'll just have to thaw the food and then either put it in to bake or re-heat it. Should make it much easier. I also made a couple extra meals (and my sister in law is making a couple) so that I can leave them up there when I leave - so that Laura will have another week of heat and eat meals after I've come back home.

I had a friend come over to help me put the meals together, and then she stayed to help me get the house put back together. (It was pretty chaotic after 4 hours of making meals and the kids entertaining themselves and their 4 friends that had ended up over here:) We got the house looking pretty good - I have to confess that I quit cleaning before she did (I was DEAD on my feet - and I promise I told her to stop and call it a day)- but it sure was super nice of her to keep going until the house was done. Now I am completely WORN OUT and ready to go to sleep! I'm tired enough that hopefully I'll be able to get a good nights sleep tonight. (I've been having a really tough time sleeping - even downstairs in the cooler temp.)

As tired as I am, it's nice to feel a little more prepared for my upcoming Montana adventure - and it feels good to know I had a really productive day.

Something in the air???

Wow - I just finished reading Melissa's and Charlotte's weekend blogs - and I was amazed at how similar their experiences and their feelings were on Sunday. I didn't have the SAME experience and them, but I sure was in the dumps Sunday too. I always feel semi-isolated from the "ward" in general, being the primary chorister (but I love the calling so it's all good there), but I felt sad and crummy all day too. Tim kept asking what was wrong, and I kept saying, "I'm just tired." About dinner time I realized I was more tired of my LIFE, than 'tired' - as in sleepy and needed a nap. I was just tired of the same thing day in day out. The same referee of silly battles with and between children. the never ending chore of laundry, cooking, cleaning...

Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and run away from everything. Luckily, I have enough sense of responsibility and commitment that I don't give in to the feeling, and even more luckily, the feeling doesn't usually last TOO TOO long.

I just took a nice long shower and I'm feeling like a new woman! (Of course, i haven't walked out into the messy kitchen since my shower, but I think I'm up to it!)