world's worst mom?

(or maybe the "best" if  not freaking out in times of crisis is a good thing...)

So today I was down at the Lea's for our primary presidency meeting.  About 20 minutes into the meeting, my cell phone rang.  I saw it was a call from  home.  it was Aaron,

"Hey mom.  are you busy?"  Um, yes Aaron, I am in the middle of my meeting, what do you need?

"Well, .....  I don't know exactly what happened....  but Bryan and Caleb were doing something, ...  I  don't know what.... but then Bryan was screaming and everything..."

(i  interrupt here,  "Aaron, you need to get dad and let him handle it.")

"I know, Dad is with Bryan, he's taking him to the doctor."

WHAT???  why is he taking Bryan to the doctor???

"well, I don't know what happened...   but Bryan had a hole in his head and it was bleeding and everything..."

at that point I figured there was nothing I could do - so my 'mother of the year' response was something like this, "OK, thanks for telling me.  I have to finish my meeting.  Choir practice is at our house right when I get home, so if  there is any blood, please clean it up."  (the Mclaughlin's  have sick kids at their house, so she had asked this morning if I would host & lead sectionals for the women)

About 45 minutes into choir, Tim & Bryan got home.  3 stitches right across the bridge of his nose!  Apparently he and Caleb had been playing the"telephone game" with the vacuum  hose, then started whipping it, and Bryan whipped it so hard Caleb let go of his end - it whipped up and took a chunk out of Bryan's nose.  OUCH!

Aaron was still claiming bragging rights to having the most stitches, (his 13 at one time from when  he was 5) but Bryan is catching up - slowly  but surely...

Thursday -

still on an emotional roller coaster.  Was having a pretty good day,  did some productive things, had some "me  time"    (had a massage, it was great)  got some shopping done,  and planned dinner.  All was well  until about 6 pm, when I started to melt down.  Things started to frustrate me, I started to feel like I was having a panic/anxiety attack... hand shaking, trouble breathing, etc...  Trying to get the kids to finish up their homework  ,  then only to find out Aaron had  two MAJOR assignments  due tomorrow that he hadn't started...  I was frustrated to say the least!   the anxiety had it's  usual affect on me -  I wanted to eat (chocolate, of course) and escaped to my  room to turn on the tv as my method  of blocking out reality.  

I calmed  down enough to help Aaron with his English assignment.  he finally went to bed  at  about  10:30...   now I'm  working on calming down enough to sleep.                

mediocrity

A very mediocre day...  not good, not bad.  Katrina woke  up sick, and spent the day at  home, throwing up...   poor  kiddo!  I hope  the rest of us can skip the sickness,  but only time will tell if we get lucky.  (i'm really not holding  my breath,  we'd have to be SUPER lucky for that to happen.

I volunteered in Caleb's class today, (I do it  every wednesday)    I am  thinking about seeing if  there  is another mom  who wants  an every other week kind of schedule so I can lighten my load a little,  but  we'll see.   Tomorrow  is my day to volunteer  in Bryan's class...  

Damon was offered  a job down  in  Moroni, Ut.  I'd love to  have them  move back  to Utah.  They are trying to decide if it is a good move for them.  It doesn't pay much, so it would be tough to live on fo rthem, but I'm still hoping they take it.  We'll see what happens.

i'm trying

today was a little better.  I know that when I feel in the dumps I tend to do nothing - just lie in bed, (usually eating) watching  TV or reading  or whatever,  but then I just end up feeling more guilty because  I'm not doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing...  Today I took a walk with Caleb,  it was a beautiful day, and we hiked up on the mountain for about 45 minutes, then after he left for Kindergarten, I set the timer and worked hard for a full hour.  I know it isn't much,  but it was  good for me.  then  I got to turn  on t he tv and  watch while I tried to dig  into t he piles in the master bedroom.  (AKA family dumping  ground)  The kitchen got clean, and I made great progress on my room (about 90% done - should be able to finish tomorrow)

I did a tiny bit towards my calling - helping introduce our new activity leader, Sister Settle, to the girls and other leaders.  I think that will  be a good fit.  Then I made dinner and after dinner we took the kids to the rec center -  not to swim (wrong time of the month for me) but they played racquetball (after a manner of speaking...)  pool, shuffleboard, rock climbing, and on the indoor playground.  we stayed longer t han we planned, and the kids got to bed later, but t hey had fun.  I want to do more things for "fun" as a family - but I find I often  ruin the experiences by being so uptight and  ...  I  don't even know...  Tonight I  blew it by losing my temper at Aaron - he tends to push my buttons the most, (might have something to do with  being a  teenager)  and I totally over-reacted.  I snapped at him (in front of his friend  Luke, who came  with us) after  Caleb got hurt - trying to "race" aaron while jumping from these cement rings in front  on the rec.  Caleb missed a  jump and  fell, hitting his elbow and crotch hard - and narrowly missed hitting  his head on the cement wall.  I apologized, and hope he  forgave me, but it makes me feel like  I negated  any good done by having "family fun time."  It is just hard.

In a tiny piece of good news.  I've been using the free calorie counting site - myfitnesspal, and have logged in for 31 days in a row.  (a new record for me, and an accomplishment I am proud of.   I have dropped  a few lbs,  from 177 down to 173.  It is SLOW going, and I sure wish the weight would drop faster, but  I am trying to be content  with the knowledge that I am making progress and making lifestyle changes...

Mission accomplished... then crash and burn

Yesterday (Sunday) was a FANTASTIC  day!  It was the day of the primary program, and the program went GREAT.   Several months  back when we started planning the program,  I was going to write it the same way they have  the past several years, where as a presidency they divide  up the  monthly themes and classes, and they each write a portion.  We  started in t hat direction,  but it  didn't feel  right,  so I ended up taking  it on my own responsibility.   I had an idea of what I wanted,  and decided I would rather do it  myself  than not have it be what I wanted.

The theme for the year has  been  "I am a child of God,"  and the vision I had was that I wanted the theme to carry through the program.   I didn't want people to get to the end and not really know what our focus was.   The way I planned it was that for each  monthly theme, the children in the assigned class presented the basic doctrines,  with a lot of personalize parts (Like the CTR 5 class talked  about how Jesus created the earth,  under  the direction of Heavenly Father, and several of the kids told what their favorite creation was and why.)  Then they final child would introduce  themselves by name, say a few t hings about themselves, like things they like to do, then tie in the monthly theme,  and end with "but the most  important thing about me is that I am a child of  God and He loves me."  and example  of this was  one girl who's class had  the topic of  the atonement of Jesus Christ.  Her part was, "My name is Sadie, I am 10 years old and I love to swim and read. I always try to choose the right, but sometimes I make mistakes. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can repent and be forgiven. The most important thing about me, is that I am a child of God and He loves me."

The children sang beautifully, and even though the music didn't have some elements that I would have wanted if I had been the music leader, it was still good. I had a spot a the end for bishop Hickman to make a few remarks. He didn't say much, but he DID add in his remarks that just like the children, HE was a child of God and that God loves him. It was perfect - (i had suggested that he was free to use the line to tie it all together) because that was my goal - to have them hear t he line repeated over and over, and for the spirit to confirm that regardless of our differences, including age, likes and dislikes, etc... we are all children of God.

I was thrilled that so many people made comments about how they felt the spirit, not just "oh that was so cute. I just love to see the little children, etc..." All but about 5 kids had their parts memorized, and it really was a great experience. I started the day pretty stressed out, but ended on a total high! I felt that I followed the promptings of the spirit in the writing of the program, and I feel we accomplished what the Lord wanted us to do.

The crash and burn part? that would be today. for whatever reason (PMS, Bi-polar???) today I just felt let down, depressed, unmotivated, etc... I feel like I am so BI-POLAR... I feel like I was on such a high yesterday, so then today I crashed back down to earth. It is just ridiculous - there is absolutely no logical reason for me to feel down, and yet I couldn't shake the feeling. what's up with that????? Hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

blog changes and updates

I feel  badly that I have let my blog become non-existent...  My hope/plan is to backtrack through some  of  the highlights of  the past year and get events and such recorded.  Tonight I  changed  the settings on my blog too, making it a private blog.    I did this  so I can  be more open and  free in w hat I say.  Rather than treating this as a blog, I want to use it  as my journal.  We'll see how it  works.   I will try to back date the entries, so they will still b e in chronological order,  but I will probably make  some notation that it was written late - or may be  not...  I'll see  how it goes.