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Something happened to me today that I found intriguing - and perhaps even eye-opening. I will attempt to make a long story shorter...
the background - Aaron struggles with school - reading in particular, and that has affected his confidence levels in every other area... I took him to a tutoring center last week for some assessments, and today I went in to get the results and their recommendations. They didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. (which I guess is good...) He's about 1 grade behind in reading, 2 grades behind in spelling, and in math he tested above average in 4 of the 5 "math areas" but in the "number sense* area he scored a 20%, which brought his overall math score to 53%. (just a smidgen above average.) I'm telling you - he is a smart kid - reading has been such a challenge that he's convinced himself that he is dumb! I wish I knew some brainwashing skills so I could just erase those thoughts and replace them with positives.
Anyway - I digress. The center recommended 1 session a week of math tutoring and 2 sessions per week of reading help. Then they hit me with the cost. $40 per session. that's $120 per week. $480 per month!!! Hello - I don't have that kind of money. It is so hard for me, because this REALLY is important. He has to get caught up now or he will hate school for the rest of his life and we are looking at a nightmare for the next 9 years - if he hangs in that long!
I digress again. I will blog another day about what I'm going to try doing - but that is NOT the point of this post. the POINT is what happened to me when I talked to Tim about it.
Now, when I was talking with the owner of the tutoring center and I realized how much money this was going to cost, I knew in my heart we didn't have it. Maybe deep down in my subconscious I kinda hoped we could figure out a way to make it work or something - but I knew we couldn't really afford right now to pay for this. That's why what happened next was so strange to me. I got home and talked to Tim about it. He said, "we can't afford that. Even if we pulled Katrina and Bryan out of gymnastics and pulled Aaron out of art classes, even then I'm not sure we afford it." Instantly my body went tense, I felt sick to my stomach and angry and hurt and upset and who knows what-all emotions started boiling around in me. It was strange, because I knew that what he was saying was correct, but my reaction was so physical and so strong. For about the next 3 hours the feelings continued to harass me and I sulked around the house, looking for food to shove in my face. I just couldn't seem to stop myself. It was awful.
I had a brief flash of clarity - that many times when I go nuts and spend money - or just can't stop eating, especially junk food, or even when I stay up late, even though I am so so tired and I know that the best thing for me would be to go to bed; it is most often because I somehow felt deprived of something I wanted.
I realize logically how silly this is. I am certainly NOT deprived. Not by any stretch of the imagination! I have more food than I need. More clothes than I need. I have a home, vehicles that run, 4 wonderful children, a great husband who works so very hard to provide everything that we need... plus many, many things that we want. I understand that and can SEE that. That's why I thought it was so strange when my body literally - physically and mentally - freaked out. It was really bizarre -
I'm hoping if I can process this new information and try harder to identify what's triggering the "deprivation demon," that I will begin to be able to tame the beast.
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4 comments:
Oh Wow. I'm sorry you are going through this. And I totally get what you mean, because right now I really really want to sign my dog up for a board & train program to get him "guaranteed" to behave on or off leash. No way can I afford it ($2000 for 6 weeks!!) but I totally get where you are coming from on those feelings--I can't stop thinking about how nice it would be, even though I know the cost is exorbitant.
As for the tutoring...I really would not spend that kind of money on a tutoring service center. Most have very outdated methods and, having worked as a professional psychometrist in the schools I can tell you first hand that most of the testing isn't really measuring what it needs to measure, and the tests results don't really drive instruction or tutoring on what the child needs to improve.
Can I help you with this? I have access to a lot of information about reading, and some good info on how to assess for information about what a child can do that is really meaningful, and some strategies to use to make progress. I could help you (for free) over the phone to at least give you direction on where to go with this.
And while I do think you are smart to address the reading issues and set him up for success, 1 grade level behind, statistically speaking is well within the average range (average range is about +/- 2 grade levels). I don't know how they are defining "number sense" so I can't comment on that without knowing what that means, but I might be able to help you with that too.
Have you had him tested for dyslexia? When he's writing, does he confuse b's with d's, p's with q's, or write letters backward? When he reads, do the words get jumbled up and read in the wrong order? He might need a specialized tutor - I'd certainly find out about that, and also get his eyesight tested, before I spent that kind of money.
My eyesight kept me back in math, just because my stupid teacher always sat me at the back of the class, and I couldn't see the board. In Trigonometry, my best friend is the one who actually taught me how to do the homework. Without glasses, I see three of everything, and go partially colorblind, so that was a big chunk of why I hated school.
Good luck!
On another note that I should have mentioned last time - my neice is dyslexic and ADHD, and Sylvan did wonders for her. I don't know if that's the place you were looking at, but they do come highly recommended from these quarters!
Wow...I can totally relate to the eating thing. It is wierd how when things get rough, we stuff stuff stuff. (just came up with that little ditty) At least you recognized it and are trying to "tame the beast".
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