bean museum

It was a good day. My mom came over and watched Caleb and Bryan while I went to volunteer with Aaron's class. Then we drove her back over to the Bean Museum (BYU) so she could do her volunteer work there. (pinning bugs for the entomology dept) Since we were already there - I took the kids into the museum. I didn't realize how long it had been since we were there - but apparently it's been a while. Bryan didn't remember ever being there, and I don't think Caleb's ever been. They both loved, loved, loved it!
At the end of our visit, I let Aaron and Katrina walk through the gift shop. I told them I wasn't going to buy anything but that they could get prices and decide what they wanted, then earn the money and I would bring them back. I think I'll get some good mileage out of this -- they were tripping over themselves tonight trying to help and be good. I liked it - A LOT! Let's hope it lasts. Aaron's trying to earn enough for the microscope - ($35.00 plus tax) So I'm thinking if I can keep him motivated - this will be a good thing!

I'm exhausted. Gettign up at 5am is KILLING me! (but it's great to have time to visit wiht Holly again. I've really missed that. The exercise is just an added bonus...)

Sunday Gratitude

When I got my "blog book" - I really liked re-reading my Sunday gratitude lists, so I think I want to start back up again with them.


Today I am grateful for

* ice cream. (don't ask me why - it was just the first thing that popped into my mind. My Grandpa Allred LOVED ice cream and I think it's in my genes. (I know it's evident in my jeans)

* strong hubby and neighbor. (we rearranged some rooms yesterday and I was SUPER thankful when Aaron B. came down and helped us move the heavy couch back downstairs.

* central heating (and air). We haven't turned on the heat yet, but it's been chilly enough that I keep thinking about it. I am just thankful to know that at any moment I can go flip the switch and "ahhhhhh - HEAT!"

* music. I love good music. I love to sing. I love hear my children singing. (and my "primary kids") Music touches my soul in a way nothing else can!

* Good books. I just finished "The Great and the Terrible" series by Chris Stewart. I really enjoyed it. now when I have negative thoughts I am totally like, "hey, you evil spirits - get away from me. I WILL NOT listen to you!"

* sleeping in. Not that I get to do this all that much any more, but it is fore front in my mind since starting tomorrow, I'll be getting up at 5:00am to go exercise with Holly. (yuck! the exercise & early morning, not Holly;)

* family fun time. we took the kids to pumpkin land yesterday and had a fun time, even though it was rainy and cold - and the kids were wet and nearly frozen by the end... it was still lots of fun and I enjoy those times when we can all just relax and play together. We don't do it enough.

my "deprivation demons"

Something happened to me today that I found intriguing - and perhaps even eye-opening. I will attempt to make a long story shorter...

the background - Aaron struggles with school - reading in particular, and that has affected his confidence levels in every other area... I took him to a tutoring center last week for some assessments, and today I went in to get the results and their recommendations. They didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. (which I guess is good...) He's about 1 grade behind in reading, 2 grades behind in spelling, and in math he tested above average in 4 of the 5 "math areas" but in the "number sense* area he scored a 20%, which brought his overall math score to 53%. (just a smidgen above average.) I'm telling you - he is a smart kid - reading has been such a challenge that he's convinced himself that he is dumb! I wish I knew some brainwashing skills so I could just erase those thoughts and replace them with positives.

Anyway - I digress. The center recommended 1 session a week of math tutoring and 2 sessions per week of reading help. Then they hit me with the cost. $40 per session. that's $120 per week. $480 per month!!! Hello - I don't have that kind of money. It is so hard for me, because this REALLY is important. He has to get caught up now or he will hate school for the rest of his life and we are looking at a nightmare for the next 9 years - if he hangs in that long!

I digress again. I will blog another day about what I'm going to try doing - but that is NOT the point of this post. the POINT is what happened to me when I talked to Tim about it.

Now, when I was talking with the owner of the tutoring center and I realized how much money this was going to cost, I knew in my heart we didn't have it. Maybe deep down in my subconscious I kinda hoped we could figure out a way to make it work or something - but I knew we couldn't really afford right now to pay for this. That's why what happened next was so strange to me. I got home and talked to Tim about it. He said, "we can't afford that. Even if we pulled Katrina and Bryan out of gymnastics and pulled Aaron out of art classes, even then I'm not sure we afford it." Instantly my body went tense, I felt sick to my stomach and angry and hurt and upset and who knows what-all emotions started boiling around in me. It was strange, because I knew that what he was saying was correct, but my reaction was so physical and so strong. For about the next 3 hours the feelings continued to harass me and I sulked around the house, looking for food to shove in my face. I just couldn't seem to stop myself. It was awful.
I had a brief flash of clarity - that many times when I go nuts and spend money - or just can't stop eating, especially junk food, or even when I stay up late, even though I am so so tired and I know that the best thing for me would be to go to bed; it is most often because I somehow felt deprived of something I wanted.

I realize logically how silly this is. I am certainly NOT deprived. Not by any stretch of the imagination! I have more food than I need. More clothes than I need. I have a home, vehicles that run, 4 wonderful children, a great husband who works so very hard to provide everything that we need... plus many, many things that we want. I understand that and can SEE that. That's why I thought it was so strange when my body literally - physically and mentally - freaked out. It was really bizarre -

I'm hoping if I can process this new information and try harder to identify what's triggering the "deprivation demon," that I will begin to be able to tame the beast.

what a nightmare... or NOT!

Bryan said something today that made me laugh. (He actually said the same thing about a week or so ago, but I had forgotten about it. I won't forget it this time... since I am 'back to blogging')

I was driving the kids to gymnastics and got stuck in a traffic mess due to road construction. I said, "this is a nightmare!"

Bryan immediately corrected me. "No mom. It is daytime. That means it's a "day-mare" It is a nightmare if it is a night. If it is day time then it is a day-mare."

I stand corrected!

making a comeback...

I need to make a blogging comeback. For all intents and purposes, I took the summer off from blogging. (I have continued reading all of your blogs as they are fed to me through my google reader...) Now I need to get back on the horse! I'm not exactly sure why it so difficult for me to find the time to blog. (or do all of the other things that I want to do...) Anywho... I am going to try to be a bit more regular in my blogging.

Monday was my birthday and I was excited to find that Tim had printed out the first two years of my blog into a book. It was so great! (I've been looking into it for a while now, but never actually did it cause Tim wanted to see if he could find a better price. Apparently he did, cause I now have a "fickle pickle" book! My kids were loving it. They spend the evening looking through it at the pictures and reading some of the posts. Best journal I've ever kept! As I said, I need to get back to it.

I've seen it happen to so many people - they get on facebook and their blogging just dies. I got onto facebook about a month, maybe 6 weeks ago. I don't do a lot with it, don't play any of the games or do the quizzes, or any of that stuff, in fact, I hide them as soon as I see them in 90% of the cases. I don't post there all that often either. but it still have taken away the time that I may have spent posting a more lasting blog entry. My overall feeling is that facebook is a nice way to find people you haven't seen in years and years and it turned out to be a good way for people to share in long distance grieving with the AF band accident and subsequent death of their teacher, but over all, I feel like it isn't really as "connecting" as blogging is. It ends up being so much more superficial and trivial. (saying that out loud makes me laugh at myself... like I am so "deep" and "complex" in the things I blog that I can call something else superficial...ha ha ) it's more the fact that I use blogging as my connective journal. Journal entries for me, that friends and family can share along in. I generally don't put things on here that are super sensitive or super personal, because it is such a public forum, but it is such a great way to share the happenings of my life.

SO - all of that to say... I'M BACK. (i hope... what that means is you should be able to expect my 1 - 3 posts per week (if I don't fizzle) all full of such exciting things as what housework I did that day, any funny tidbits from the kiddos, and maybe an insightful thought here or there.

Thanks to my "other mothers"

As you know from my last post, I spent tonight in the BYU stadium cheering on my former High School Marching Band. If by chance you are interested in how they did - They were fantastic! Heather would be very pleased! They looked sharp, the lines and formations were clean and precise, and the music was really incredible. (The horn line was amazing!!!) I really liked the music selection and the show design and theme. (much better that the last one I went to see..."through the eyes of a child"... I didn't care much for that one, personally...) Anyway - that's not what this post is about.

Back in my high school days, 20+ years ago, I didn't really have a very good relationship with my mom. I always felt like I fell "short of the mark." I never felt like I was "good enough." I think that is one reason why I tended to "collect mom's." Mom Harper, Mom Liddle, Mom Larson, Mom Reed, Mom Turner, the list goes on... College came along and I adopted Mom Corry and Mom Seegmiller... One mom that I always thought highly of, and recently reconnected with via face book, is Mom Woffinden. She commented on face book that she wanted to find me at the competition and give me a hug. I looked and looked through the crowd but couldn't find her - there were just so many people....
I circled up with the group singing "friends are friends forever," and just as the 2nd verse started, I looked across the circle and there she was.

Mom Woffinden.

I left my spot and moved next to her. She put her arm around me and gave me one of her great "band mom hugs." The next thing I knew, I was bawling like a baby. It surprised me. We finished singing the song, talked for a few minutes about this, that, and nothing, then I started the long hike back up to the Marriott Center where my van was parked. As I walked, I had lots of time to think about my strangely extra-emotional reaction to seeing her and getting that hug. I began to realize how all of those "moms" that I collected, had filled a great void deep inside of my heart. Through them I felt cared for, encouraged, accepted, and 'good enough.' I felt loved.

It has been 20 years since I graduated from High School. 20 years since I've seen Mom Woffinden. Yet when she put her arms around me, I felt all that love and acceptance and safety come rushing back. I had no idea how deeply those adopted mom affected me. I had no idea how desperately I had needed them.

Although none of them read this blog, I just wish to express how truly, truly grateful I am for all the "other moms" who stepped up in my life to support me and accept me, love me and encourage me when I needed it. THANK YOU!

To those of you who find yourself being "adopted" by children who are not yours by birth - It may seem like just a passing thing that means nothing -- but you never know. You may be having an impact on them that is deep and lasting. An impact that you may never know about. In fact the "adopted child" in question may never know the powerful influence you are having on them; unless maybe, perchance, 20 years from now, life will bring you back together, and you will have occasion to put your arm around them again, and their tears will flow as they realize the depth of influence for good you were in their life.

In Memory of...

I went to American Fork High school. I was proud to be a member of the marching band for three years. I know that in some schools it is isn't "cool" to be a "band geek," but that wasn't the case at my school. Our band was one of the best in the state, and it was a family. Seriously, if you were in the band, you were family.
The kids in the band were good kids. There weren't drugs or wild parties... well, ok, the year Julie and I were the flute section leaders, we DID have some wild section parties, but they were the CLEAN kind of wild. (not much sleep and a little bit of T.P. here and there...) Just good clean FUN! Those relationships I made in band run so deep in my heart. That is why I have been in a little bit of shock since I heard the tragic news that on the way home from their competition in Idaho, one of the buses rolled and the woodwind instructor was killed.

I was in the band the first year we took that trip to Pocatello to compete in that particular competition. Heather Christensen, the chaperon who died, was in the band with my younger brother and sister. She was one year younger than my sister, Laura, and she was Drum Major for my brother Mark. She went on to be drum major at U of U and Mark marched with her again at that time.

While it may seem strange to some, that I feel so deeply this loss of someone I don't even know, it really isn't strange to me. The American Fork Marching band IS a family. And this weekend we lost one of our own.

I remember so clearly one particular event. There was a girl in the color guard who's mom was dying from cancer and had been unable to attend any of her performances that year. Her mom died right before the BYU competition. I remember we marched onto the field, then as we stood there waiting to start, the announcer said, "The American Fork High School Marching Band would like to dedicate this performance to Monet Tracy, who's mom WILL get to see her performance tonight." I remember marching that show with tears streaming down my face. It was an amazing experience for me.

This Tuesday is once again the annual BYU invitational, and the band will be marching in memory of Heather Christensen. I can't wait to be in the stands - and in some small way, share the moment with them. I can't wait to go out to the parking lot after the show adn stand around the band as they "circle up." I want to feel a part of them again, and let them realize that they are part of something bigger - something that will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

We are family.


(this is a song we used to sing)

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter of your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

No a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends