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My dear friend Melissa has rightly 'chastised' me for not posting for so long. No, Life isn't THAT "disturbing." Right after my last post I got really sick, and I'm still not fully recuperated. I had the whole aches and pains, plus a fever and cough and sore throat and everything. Totally lost my voice for a couple days. Now I am mostly fine, just a lingering cough (mostly at night when I lie down to sleep. The problem now is that Caleb is sick. He was running a 103 temp Saturday - Monday, but now just seem to have a cold. Life is never dull! My house sort of imploded while I was sick, and I still haven't quite got it all back under control.. (Of course, truth be told, it is very rarely under control, sick or not...)
Anyway, my major trial right now is parenting. I went to the library yesterday and checked out some new parenting books that I hope will help me in my quest to be a better parent, particularly in dealing with Aaron. Today I got the 'pleasant' (NOT) surprise of receiving a phone call from the principal at Aaron's school. Apparently, Aaron and 3 other kids used their scissors to drill holes in the desk tops. AARRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! The consensus from the teacher and administrators was that it was just a case of kids not thinking - nothing malicious or purposely destructive.
Then this afternoon I attended his parent teacher conference. (it had already been scheduled, it just happened to fall on the "desk drilling day") His teacher expressed her observations that matched mine, that the past 3 weeks Aaron has been really acting up. It's happening at school and at church. Neither of us can pinpoint what the underlying problem is... I told her that he has asked a couple times in the past few weeks if I could pull him out of school and home school him because he "hates" school. He has also expressed a lot of concern about cursive writing. They've been told that starting in January they need to submit their writing work in cursive, and Aaron feels he can't do it.
I can't help but feel that the behavior problems are directly related to his low self-esteem and low self-confidence issues. I also can't help but think that I am the main reason behind these feelings of inadequacy. While I don't do it on purpose, I fear that I use shame techniques and am too "emotionally unavailable" to him (and to everyone else). The trouble is, I don't know how to fix myself!
Tim did a great job talking to Aaron tonight about choices and consequences. Aaron is going to be grounded for the next few days from all TV and Computer use, and he will be doing some extra jobs around the house to earn money which he will then donate to the school to make some restitution for the damage done. He (and the other kids involved) will be missing a few recesses and they will spend that recess time doing service in the school (like picking up trash, cleaning scuff marks from the gym floor, etc...)
On the drive home, Aaron cried and said I don't love him, and that his teacher yells at him all the time and is always mad at him. (I know she does ask him to be quiet often, since he is always talking out during class and has real trouble staying on task and completing his work) Tonight while Tim and I met with him to discuss the problems, I asked Aaron what Tim and I can do to show him and help him know that we love him. He said that I am always spending my time cleaning the kitchen and I never play with him. He wants me to stop cleaning and play more games and spend more time with him. Tim pointed out to Aaron that one of the reasons I have to clean all the time is because he and the other kids are always making giant messes and not cleaning them up.
I guess the good news is that I have a place to start. I will be focusing on getting my cleaning done earlier in the day and spending more time playing with the kids.
This parenting thing is SO hard. I just feel like I don't have a clue what I'm doing, and I worry that I'm ruining my children. (It doesn't help that Caleb still isn't sleeping well (due to being sick) and I am majorly sleep deprived! Oh well. Nobody said life was going to be easy!
How was that Melissa? Betcha now you wish I had waited to put on a happier post. Oh well. I do actually have a couple fun and happy posts in my head, I just can't ever seem to make the time to get them posted. maybe tomorrow. (you know how it is with sick kids, you just sit and hold them all day long...) love ya bunches - glad ya missed me.
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6 comments:
Yeah! I've missed you from the blogging world....Personally, I think you are a great mom. Your house is full of love and your kids have so much fun! They are creative and they obviously love each other. In my humble opinion :) You are amazing!
Hang in there, Jeri! You ARE a great Mom! Some kids are just a little more challenging than others. I feel like reading about Aaron is looking into my future with Drew. They seem to be so much alike! You can do it. If you need help, let me know! We miss you guys so much!
Jeri, you don't know me, but I surfed here via my google "parenting" alert. Your blog entry really reached out to me, so I want to leave you a comment.
It sounds to me that you are one of the millions of wonderful parents in the world who are trying their very best to meet their kids' needs.(How come we hear so often about the minority who aren't???)
Because you're a sensitive, thoughtful person, you examine your parenting style, your motives, your practices. You hold them up to some perfect standard and scrutinize them. Inevitably, you don't make the "perfect" grade, mostly because it isn't real. And you give yourself a hard time.
My advice would be: cut yourself some slack.
This isn't a complete list, but just a few of the parenting books that I've gleaned some tips from, if you need any more reading material. :-)
Levine, Katherine Gordy. Parents Are People Too.
Ricker & Crowder. Whining: Three Steps to Stopping It Before the Tears and Tantrums Start. 2000.
Watts, Emily. Being the Mom: 10 Coping Strategies I Learned by Accident Because I Had Children on Purpose. Bookcraft, 2002.
Guarendi, Raymond N. You’re a Better Parent Than You Think! A Guide to Common-Sense Parenting.
Oh, parenting can be difficult sometimes. Hang in there, it will all turn out fine!
I have to agree with the Book Chook's comment. My husband says that to me all the time...that I am too hard on myself and need to cut myself some slack. I always feel like a failure and my kids will all be ruined...Parenting is tricky business I tell ya. Nothin that a little future therapy won't clear up. heh heh...teasin. :)
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